A Quick Word From: A Random Guy Who Woke Up One Day as Leader of the Minions

Previously on “A Quick Word From”…

I do not want these Minions, or those boxing gloves.

I do not want these Minions, or those boxing gloves. Universal Pictures

Hello. Does anyone know why I have Minions now? I am the new leader of the yellow creatures from the Despicable Me universe. I did not ask for them, but they showed up last week in my Manhattan apartment and will not leave me alone.

Are they promoting something? The next Despicable Me movie doesn’t come out till next summer. How pervasive are these things?

One day I’m going about my daily life as an Asset Manager at Goldman Sachs, and the next I have hundreds of otherworldly creatures following me around, attempting to heed my every command. It is by far the strangest thing to ever happen to me.

I think the most disconcerting thing about suddenly having Minions is that it seems to suggest that I am some sort of super villain. Now I know that I am not a great man. I have my flaws. I could call my mother more, but I hardly think I am on the same level as Attila the Hun or Gru (Gru is the main character in Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2. I watched these movies along with the spinoff Minions after the Minions showed up. They are funny flicks with a surprising amount of heart, but they do not explain why the Minions are following me).

Is it because I work on Wall Street? I mostly manage investments on behalf of clients. It’s really not that evil. I admit that I help rich people get richer, but we also have several philanthropic endeavors. I’m on the board of The Innocence Project. Once a month my entire branch plants trees. Why are the Minions not following ISIS? Am I really worse than ISIS?

I have to admit that it does hurt my feelings that the cute little guys seem to think I’m a bad guy. I have asked the Minions why they are following me, but I cannot understand their language. It seems to consist of gibberish, pushing, and the occasional Spanish. There are human traffickers out in the world, but they picked me. What does that say about my character?

They follow me to work and try to help me, but they almost always end up in a series of wacky misadventures. During a closed conference call, my secretary burst in and let me know that the Minions were standing on top of each other’s shoulders trying to peek into the conference room. We are on the thirty-third floor. A pigeon caused them to topple all over the financial district.

I want to give the Minions something to do, but I work a lot with Excel. Have you ever tried to explain Excel to Minions? They are not ideal for data entry. The other day I asked for a cup of coffee and they turned the Keurig into a bomb. That’s just unacceptable workplace behavior.

The Minions have definitely made dating hard. I often try to sneak out of the house to the bar, but they always find me. Then I have to explain to the lovely women on Ok Cupid that I do not consider myself a villain, and I do not know why the Minions worship me. Most people are nice about it, but Minions are definitely a bit of a red flag.

If you have any information about why the Minions are following me, please let me know. I will atone for whatever sins I committed to deserve this. Yesterday the Minions built me a rocket. This must end. I do love them dearly, but their constant bickering and 3D-pointing has resulted in too many fires and fights with random dogs. Enough is enough.

I will miss the short one with one eye the most.

A Quick Word From: A Random Guy Who Woke Up One Day as Leader of the Minions