One: My name is One, and I am the first of the 11 children experimented on in Hawkins Laboratory. Oh, you know 11, the charming girl who can kill people with her mind? Well, you may have noticed that her name is 11. By definition there were 10 of us before her. Ten other innocent bald children. So…why aren’t people trying to save us? Sure, I can barely stop an ant with my brain, and my nose doesn’t bleed so much as waterfall blood, but I was the first kid they experimented on. I could probably flip a truck if you gave me unlimited tries for a few months. Save me.
Two: Yeah, hey, Two here. I’m also one of the experimented children. If there are any renegade local cops out there, please, please save us. If you can rescue ten children, imagine how much that will make up for the one daughter you couldn’t save. It’s miserable in here. We have Papa, but I think he dyes his hair white for some reason. He looks like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. Also, The Devil Wears Prada is the only movie we have in here. It is my only pop culture touchstone. Please save me.
Three: Hello, I’m Three, and I’m something of the bad boy of the group, and by that I mean that I tried to escape once but I can’t make people bleed out of their eyes because I’m only the third kid they experimented on. Instead, I made a guard lightly slap himself in the face once. It was pretty funny, but then I was locked away forever. If you aren’t doing anything, I would really appreciate it if you could save me.
Four: Bad men. Demogorgon. Mouth Breather.
Five: Sorry about Four. Four is a little crazy from having been raised in a lab and experimented upon her entire life. What she means to say is “please save me from this lab where I’ve been experimented upon my entire life.” Thanks.
Six: What’s up? Six here! Hope everyone is doing well! So, I am the sixth child that was stolen from her mother and raised in captivity, and honestly, I don’t mind it so much! I have a reliable routine, and sensory depravation tanks are so relaxing. Plus, we get to watch The Devil Wears Prada whenever we want! It’s great in here, and I barely find myself wondering what trees look like. Don’t save us! Hair is overrated!
Seven: Did you talk to Six? Did Six say we don’t need saving again? Please don’t listen to Six. Six is a real Papa’s girl. We are being kept in the same facility that has a giant gateway to the Upside Down. The monster escapes daily. It is so scary.
Eight: Hey, Eleven, if you are reading this: friends tell each other the truth. Like how you know ten other children in a lab that need to be saved. But enjoy your Eggos. I’ll just keep eating lab food.
Nine: I’m Nine. I have absolutely no powers. They moved onto 10 immediately, and now I’m just stuck in this building.
10: I am able to do all the things 11 can do, except create a portal to another dimension that results in the deaths of innocent people. But sure, 11 is the heroine. I don’t get it, and I hate feeling jealous. This place makes me feel like Emily Blunt in The Devil Wears Prada, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Please, please free us from the living nightmare that is our lives.