‘Big Brother’ Week Eight Recap: Pass the Cheetos

Your boy Paulie, the comp beast kid who was bred to be a champion, was bred for 'Big Brother.'

Paul didn't want to interrupt the fight with Cheetos bag rustling.
Paul didn’t want to interrupt the fight with Cheetos bag rustling.

In Big Brother, things change at the speed of one person leaving the room and someone else coming in. It is very hard to last half way through the season. It’s damn near impossible to make it to the end. This season’s case study of game coming at you fast is the deterioration of Paulie’s strategy over the last week. Your boy Paulie, the comp beast kid who was bred to be a champion, was bred for this game, went from running the house to outside chatting with Chen faster than you can say “never cared.” Last week, Paulie had a showmance with Z, a bromance with Paul, a stud alliance of Vic, Corey, James, and P+P, and had not yet cried in the DR. So what went wrong?

Paulie was feeling himself, did’t even need an X pill. Natalie took Z aside, girl-to-girl, to let her in on how Paulie was playing her around the house. He didn’t like that too much, calling out Jersey girls and letting Natalie know “she’s as fake as those things on her chest.” A big argument broke out in the HoH room. Paulie thought he was making coherent points, although I don’t know why he thought that. He came off looking sketchy as hell. The best part of the whole thing was that Vic and Paul were literally sitting on the bed eating Cheetos while everyone else yelled. They passed the bag back and forth while Paulie’s game crumbled into dust and blew away in the wind like John Hammond parking a helicopter on the dig site. In the silence of the fight coming to abrupt conclusion, Paul did a slow reach into the bag and pulled out a Cheeto at half-speed. He knew what he was doing, he had a half-smile on his face. The slow-chip pull is masterful. It’s like saying “pass the popcorn” and “don’t mind me” and “but that’s none of my business” all into one mega-meme gesture. So dope.

James didn’t like the idea of Paulie treating his girl Natalie like that. I mean why would he, Paulie made a bunch of comments about secretly making out with her and that she needs to put away her Venezuelan booty. Paulie’s excuse was that he flirts with everyone like that, which just means that he’s wrong with everyone, not that it’s okay to do with Natalie. So James decided to use his two-vote nullification to get Z out. If you can’t get him, you go for the person closest to him. They revealed this before the live-show double eviction ep and Paulie got aggressive because Paulie is very aggressive when he doesn’t get his way, which was a lot this week.

Victor won HoH, basically his second in a row, because Corey had the quick double eviction one sandwiched between Vic’s victories. Paul put the full press on him to nominate Paulie and Corey, which Vic was happy to do. Paulie was the one who got Vic out of the house week 2. The fact that Vic is still here, not a target, and has been in power a majority of the time since the Battle Back is impressive. Paulie did not take being nominated that well. After making fun of Michelle crying the week before, he broke down. While Victor and Paul are dancing around the house, Paulie is in tears about how it sucks to be up against his “boy from Day 1, Corey.”

Nicole got America’s Care Package which actually literally landed on Natalie’s head in the backyard. It was Super Safety so Nicole couldn’t be nominated and she had to wear a bright orange super safety suit with a traffic cone hat. She looked like a construction site Witchy Poo. There were some other great costumes this week as well. Zingbot came into the house and rattled off some fierce burns. Victor ended up winning the veto. Corey had to wear some patriotic tights with an eagle puppet. Paulie had to bake pies every time the Zingbot anthem played (which he originally refused to do because he’s a bad sport), and Paul got a secret service suit which is the gift that keeps on giving. Anytime the alarm sounds, Paul has to pat down all the houseguests and then check five different rooms of the house to make sure they’re clear. Production got Paul once right when the veto meeting was about to start and then again as the live show was ending. Paul went to pat Nicole down and was like “nice pit stains bro” right when the show cut out.

Paul is a legit gift this season. Paulie’s arrogance and treatment of people make him impossible to root for. After Z was gone, Paulie broke down them having sex multiple times in the house. It was gross. You got Corey walking around unchecked using “faggot” as a term of endearment, which is ridiculous. And then Nicole talking about how dreamy and great he is in the face of that—also ridiculous. So yeah, Paul’s antics are a relief from it all. Zingbot got him with the “shut up already” and I’m sure living in the house with him is like an endless stream of quotes and jokes and catchphrases. But watching him and Vic enjoy themselves, makes it look fun. Paulie doesn’t want to bake his pies, Paulie wants to sulk? Boring. Paulie wants to cry at butterflies fluttering by? That’s a little more interesting, I’d watch some more of that. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Big Brother backyard and 1000 miles away a hurricane breaks out in New Jersey.

Paulie tried to make a last ditch attempt to stay but it was too little too late. He ended up giving the longest goodbye speech I’ve ever heard. I think it’s still going on. His goodbye speech was the Apocalypse Now Redux  of speeches. Martin Sheen had a stress-induced heart attack from the filming of Paulie’s speech. The speech ended with Paulie taking Michelle and putting a huge fake kiss on her. Sometimes people flirt and say nice things to Julie and you can tell she actively likes them. Like with Dr. Will or Dan. Other times it’s so forced, like she’s barely concealing her disdain for this kissing up. That’s how she talks to Mike Boogie. That’s how she treats Paulie’s smarmy attempts at charm. Paulie got evicted and marched out of the house with a huge grin. He picked Julie up off the ground in a hug. He gave his interview with a smug grin. No return ticket but don’t count him out. There’s still a juror coming back into the house. It’d be great tv for sure. But as Michelle pointed out to him, he’s no Cody or Derrick. Which would normally be fine. Who is? Except when that’s what you’re trying to be, then it’s not working out.

A couple weeks ago when Paulie was talking about being bred for this, I mentioned Rachel and Brendon’s baby. We finally got to see her. They named their baby Adora Borealis. I don’t even have a joke for that. I’m speechless. But I won’t blame the kid for the sins of her parents. So hopefully Adora is cool with her punderful name.

Big week coming up. America’s Care Package is a co-HoH where they each pick a nom. There’s an extra episode on Friday, too. Cool, cool.

‘Big Brother’ Week Eight Recap: Pass the Cheetos