A Conversation Between Two Death Eaters From ‘Harry Potter’

The good guys! Right? Right?

The good guys! Right? Right? Warner Brothers

[From Mitchell and Webb‘s “Are We The Baddies?”]

EXT. MALFOY MANOR — NIGHT

Two Death Eaters, LUCIUS MALFOY and ALECTO CARROW are outside, waiting for a meeting with Voldemort to be called.

ALECTO
Hey Lucius, have you looked at the Dark Mark recently?

LUCIUS
Of course. I look at it every day. It’s tattooed to our flesh, an enchanted reminder of our loyalty to the Dark Lord.

ALECTO
No, but I mean, really looked at it.

Lucius examines his forearm.

LUCIUS
It’s a skull, and it’s consuming a serpent, a symbol of the Death Eaters and a reminder that our leader is the heir of Salazar Slytherin. Seems fairly straightforward.

ALECTO
It doesn’t look a bit… evil to you?

LUCIUS
Evil? I mean, no. It’s harsh, definitely stern, but we’re the god guys here. Our mission is to cleanse the wizarding world of its impurities and restore wizards to their dominance over muggles. Our rightful place, led by the Dark Lord.

ALECTO
Yeah, I get all that. But doesn’t it seem a bit weird that he calls himself the “Dark Lord”? I mean, we’re on the right side, I agree, but the fact that he’s the dark lord, and this is the dark mark, and we focus mainly on stuff called dark magic makes me feel like we’re kind of villains.

LUCIUS
I mean, I guess it’s a little sinister that we’re called “Death Eaters” but I imagine it’s just to… you know… intimate our enemies.

ALECTO
Sure.

The two stand awkwardly in silence for a few minutes.

LUCIUS
You know what else I’ve been thinking about though? My name.

ALECTO
What do you mean? Lucius is a nice name.

LUCIUS
Yeah, but it means “devil,” doesn’t it? Lucius, like Lucifer. That’s a pretty on-the-nose root.

ALECTO
Woah.

LUCIUS
And “Malfoy”? I mean, “mal” literally means “bad.” I’m basically Devilly Badfoy.

ALECTO
Holy fuck, do you know what I just remembered? Alecto was one of the Furies, you know, the infernal Greek deities of vengeance? “Alecto” translates from Greek to “unceasing in anger.” Why would my parents name me that? I mean, I try to be a good person! I’m protecting the wizarding order.

LUCIUS
Yeah, we’re the good guys. Definitely.

Another awkward silence.

LUCIUS
And the fact that our leader is named Voldemort, with “mort” for death right in there…

ALECTO
Just a coincidence I imagine. Although…

LUCIUS
What?

ALECTO
He does… look a bit like a villain, doesn’t he? With the long pale fingers, red eyes, snake nose, and sweeping black robes?

LUCIUS
Well, we all wear sweeping black robes.

ALECTO
You’re right. You’re right. I was being judgmental.

LUCIUS
Just a few silly coincidences.

ALECTO
All coincidences probably come to think of it. We’re definitely the good guys here. We’re doing the right thing for everyone.

LUCIUS
Definitely. Now let’s get back to our schemes to kill an eleven-year-old orphan. Fucking hate that kid.

 

A Conversation Between Two Death Eaters From ‘Harry Potter’