tvDownload’s Emmy Liveblog 2016

I will pop back in occasionally to say “wow American Crime Story OJ SImpson won AGAIN??”

Minnie Driver is currently having trouble describing her new show “Speechless” which is a layup joke if anyone out there is interested in a free Tweet

“I like listening to you. When you make speeches” I take it back the red carpet is the best

I’m going to teach a class called “Softballs 101” and just loop the 2016 Emmys Red Carpet

Is that the theme of this year’s AHS?

American Horror Story: Red Carpet Faux Pas

That joke took FOREVER because I had to Google “faux pas”

Foe Paws. We were real real close to Foe Paws over here

Glad the show hasn’t even started yet

In my nightmares John Travolta is always looking over my shoulder with that exact same face

Mispronouncing the names of my loved ones

Pretty sure if John Travolta said my name it would be “Minnie Driver”

Soooooo we should do predictions, right?

Like we’re real people who have seen all these real life TV shows?

And are not, under any circumstances, frantically skimming the Wiki pages of all the Outstanding Comedy nominees?

Oh, right if Mr. Robot sweeps this entire show including most if not all categories it isn’t even nominated in I will leave this night happy

Because F Society, right??

That is a reference to the show NEVERMIND IT’S STARTING

If this was the same exact opening from last year would you notice? WOULD ANYONE?

Wait this is reminding me of how much capital letters Political Humor we’re gonna get tonight

Jeb is only the beginning

Wow ABC didn’t even have the balls to follow through and actually kill Ryan Seacrest with a dragon

I think this will be a fun show actually because there’s going to be a lot of O.J. Simpson jokes and he straight up killed a bunch of people

Hollywood!

That’s funny because I’m watching the sketchiest of sketch streams

For everyone out there, both Observer TV writers don’t have cable to watch the Emmys

But you’re 20 seconds behind Jimmy Kimmel telling terrible safe jokes!

Depends on how much black market pirate gold you are willing to spend

ooooooh just wait until Jimmy Kimmel says “Downton Absent” and that’s the whole joke

Just wait

I love how people are going nuts for Louie Anderson playing an aging mother as if they’ve never seen Louie Anderson before

Annnnnnnd Louie Anderson actually just won /spoilers for Dana

Dana I’m pretty much telling you results from the future

When the FBI comes for us this will be the evidence

a picture of Louie Anderson will be shown in court, not for the first time in my life

Can this entire night be you throwing out obscure comparisons and me trying to find the closest picture?

Because we are only 18 minutes in and I’m already other-tabbing old episodes of Arrow, which ISN’T EVEN A GOOD SHOW

He literally ended on name puns

Do you think the episode of Dancing With the Stars where those people tried to tackle Ryan Lochte is going to win an Emmy tonight?

Do you think this show with the same plot of 24 starring Kiefer Sutherland is going to win an Emmy tonight?

Do you think Maggie PooHead Smith is going to win an Emmy tonight, asks Jimmy Kimmel

ALL HIS JOKES ARE NAME JOKES

/ LAME JOKES

(sorry)

In all seriousness, Silicon Valley forever and ever and ever

This is the category where I always go LOL what’s MOM and then MOM wins

Ahh, Kate McKinnon probably should have an award. That makes sense.

Do you think it’s weird that we as a society accept that Lorne Michaels is a vampire but have not yet hunted him?

One time I ran into him just casually sitting outside an East Village cafe and what I’m saying is me too I also have a crush on Gotham Penguin

Haha people on Twitter are mad Aziz didn’t get a chance to speak as if any of this matters

As if the Emmys are not a black void of Maggie Smith name puns watched by 15 people, all live blogging

Everyone take a breath and watch this: https://www.instagram.com/p…

Reeve Carney’s more flamboyant cousin I think

What just happened what is happening why is this award show so awkward

Amy Schumer is there I know this I took that picture of her with Travolta why didn’t she get a speech

I hope Aziz wins this but they don’t give him a speech and then this turns into a HUGE THING that we all have to talk about for days

Wow they’re just going to let Jill Solloway win for Outstanding Comedy directing as if we all don’t see the conspiracy here

The Aziz Ansari conspiracy

The Aziz Ansaracy

Haha Jimmy Fallon just clapping SO hard for that trans joke

What does Aziz know that the Emmys are afraid of getting out?

Oh hey Julia Louis Dreyfus won time is a flat circle we are all repeating moments of our lives until we die #Emmys2016

I have a college graduation to get to and so many Blackberry BBMs to answer

Oh man this just got wayyyy too real for me to ever make fun of because I’m not Jimmy Kimmel

I guess 8:40 is when the Emmy writers slotted “wreck people’s emotions over and over again”

8:40-9:00: “Fuck you, life is fleeting”

And then back from commercial Jimmy Kimmel “Any way folks poo poo Maggie Smith farts”

Just saying “Bill Cosby” is not a joke

NONE OF THESE ARE JOKES

Wow Aziz silenced again when is the lamestream media going to pick this up

(Jeffrey Tambor totally deserved to win though sooo)

Do you think there’s a list of people who are allowed to shush the playoff music?

Can anyone do it?

Why doesn’t everyone do it???

Oh my God why didn’t Aziz do it

Running Wild with Bear Grylls is the only reality show that matters and if anyone disagrees you have to fight Bear Grylls on a mountain

like, suspended from it

He named himself Bear

Also is there no other night for The Amazing Race to win an award?

I can’t wait to look back on these dope Trump jokes during his 3rd reign

This is the same thing as Chris Rock having his kids sell cookies last year, or whatever that was

Yeah like what if somone died from that sandwich at the Emmy awards

would that make this the worst emmys or the…best…Emmys?

“The night Taraji P Henson literally just died from a sandwich”

Oh man I hope Marcia Clark being there is just part of a long con from Ryan Murphy

American Horror Story: These Fucking Emmys

American Horror Story: Downton Absent

“American Horror Story: Donald Trump’s America” <— a joke the Emmy writers probably think is original

Leslie Jones just screaming at three old white dudes is this world distilled to its purest essence

Fargo was dope and deserves at least 13 awards that are going to go to People v OJ Simpson

Do you know how hard I’d rather be reading Noah Hawley’s novel than watching the ADMITTEDLY BALLER People v OJ Simpson winning Best Writing

The fact that Melissa Leo is nominated but not for Wayward Pines should answer your question

Wait….Sarah Paulson DIDN’T WIN?? What’s happening here

I think she…was nominated for OJ?

Something is wrong here and I don’t know whether to blame Ryan Murphy or Aziz Ansari

Oh, okay then it is Aziz’s fault

Haha David Schwimmer just there thinking about how Feed the Beast was cancelled like 3 days ago

Oh my God what if there never was a Taylor Swift

(there’s no evidence to support that but like imagine?)

The Night Manager wins Best Directing and I REALLY mean to watch The Night Manager I’m getting around to it

I’ve been running a small convenience store but only after the sun goes down so it’s almost like I AM the night manager I’m sorry I don’t know how to joke anymore

Was that actually John Mayer or just an average white guitarist born after like, 1979?

BOKEEM WOODBINE OR I’M OUT

I’M OUT

jk I have to stay here contractually, congratulation Sterling K Brown on your Emmy win for Best Supporting Actor

It’s very good but watch out for spoilers because the twist is nuts

so did a lot of people, Dana. So did ALOT of people

Imagine of Sarah Paulson doesn’t win with Marcia Clark sitting right there oh my God imagine it

If you were Marcia Clark would you be offended Sarah Paulson lost when she had two heads but won when she pulled off playing Marcia Clark?

Did Jennifer Lopez not wear that dress one time? WHY DO I EVEN KNOW THAT

They’re my favorite couple

NOW my name shows up! Hi guys! The person without the name had been me, Dana the whole time!

You invoked the name of Holland Taylor and were given a name

That is also the plot of my YA novel

Vinnie talk to me after this show, let’s punch out that outline

(you had a last name so I added a last name)

if tom hiddleston wins, taylor will be MISERABLE

IS THIS AN EMMY CATEGORY OR LIST OF POSSIBLE JAMES BONDS

blam, that’s the title of my memoir ^^^

Killing it with the zingers, Vinnie!

Ironically Courtney B Vance wins, and is also the least likely to play James Bond

although I swear if Benedict Cumberbatch is james bond I will not watch those movies even harder

I hope he knows Angela Basset

Oh, they are married

They have met

he made a “jonny cochren is in hell” joke only 10 years after book of mormon did!

Johnnie Cochran. wow i spelled that way wrong

YES! I love sherlock so much, vinnie. I can’t help it. I mean, this episode was all sorts of B+, but still

real talk I straight up didn’t watch the Sherlock Abominable Bride and probably never will

and I really like Sherlock

what if Best Wife was a real category

I feel like somehow Big Bang Theory would still win

People vs OJ Simpson wins Best Movie or Mini Series

/ Half of nation dies from straight up SHOCK

some day I need a better primer on the difference between a mini series and limited series and movie and all of that

Did they straight up just turn the lights off on the People v OJ Simpson speech?

What….was that about?

AZIZ ANSARI TAKES HIS REVENGE

CUT TO AZIZ ANSARI DROPPING THE CHANDELIER

(very topical Phantom joke)

But seriously, they got tired of people talking over the ‘play out’ music and decided to go HEAVY CLUB that you can’t talk over

But back to sherlock, actually watch abominable bride, I promise you’ll enjoy it

It’s kinda like how George RR Martin keeps releasing books that are SORTA in the Game of Thrones universe but not really Game of Thrones

that’s how I feel about Abominable Bride

like thanks, but how bout you finish that season?

a hole is exactly where John Mayer belongs

I vote Mulaney

So…Best Standup Special?

Oh god, Oswalt deserves it.

Ohhh this speech is about to be overwhelmingly sad

more crying for me!

Honestly Patton’s the best and that was tasteful AF

unlike the phrase tasteful AF

Whoa hold the fuck on Jon Snow is alive?

Woah I’m more impressed that Samberg is on equal handsome-footing with John Snow

I hope John Oliver gets it

If Fallon wins I’m OUT

I hope Fallon gets it just to watch Twitter burn

I hope Fallon and Kimmel tie

Last Week Tonight wins, that’s beautiful

Ok but actually Josh Gondelman writes for that show, and he’s amazing, and his fiancee maris is at home in brooklyn waiting to pop champaign and i hope she’s popping and so happy!

Hooray Josh Gondelman! He was in the Observer once!

fun fact: john oliver’s wife is a vet he met when he was filming at the RNC for the daily show—she helped sneak him in I think

http://observer.com/2015/10…

Anthony Anderson is all ABOUT this bit with Matt Damon

It’s the only time I like Jimmy Kimmel. When Matt Damon is making fun of him

I am counting down the seconds of this last hour like a glorious, Emmy-less New Year

I have 11 other tabs open

I am the worst millennial stereotype

Like can’t we just ship Jon Snow his Emmy and call this a night

If I stop watching now I can pretend Mr Robot won Best Drama

I can live in that reality forever, Dana

This is the only image I’ll need from now on

Jimmy Kimmel said “Get ready to feel the Verne” like the Joker had his children hostage

He is ALL name puns!!!!

Oh, fun fact: Kail also directed Hamilton

So that dude is gonna EGOT

So Grease Live wins and they DON’T show Travolta?

wait. did grease live just beat Beyonce?

BUT YES where was our Travolta shot?!?

Like they had a chance to show ORIGINAL GREASE: LIVE

no wonder the Emmy director lost, that idiot

Vinnie you should be directing this

oh my god he’s so handsome. How have I not watched Mr. Robot yet?

some episodes are literally just an hour of him freaking out, so

you’re really missing out

oh my god. my sexual fantasies have so much more material

Oh hey Hank Azaria and character actress Margo Martindale

character actress margo martindale deserved that trophy, but not for what she got it for

(it should have been bojack)

Is the first Game of Thrones award?

If Battle of the Bastards wins I dedicate it to Ben Philippe

It won!

Ben we did it!

aw he’s married to amanda peet. RIP studio 60

David Benioff could have easily played Hodor

Big missed opportunity

could have saved some cash

Someone must have told beyonce she wasn’t going to win because beyonce didn’t show up. beyonce doesnt’ show up to LOSE.

Did Beyonce really lose, though

Did she REALLY?

ok, but the HAMILTON director beat her

Hamilton also doesn’t lose. it’s like an unstoppable force/unmoveable object etc etc

Hahahahahahahaha MAGGIE SMITH

This is the punchline!

It was a long con!

Jimmy Kimmel for president!

But forreal I think GAme of Thrones killed a few horses and a couple actual people for Battle of the Bastards

It should win

Anddddddd it did

Yeah they deserved it. they pulled off a legit blood sacrifice

The director just hired 100 ex cons and told them to kill each other in a muddy field. Bold artistic move

Peter Dinklage has never been over anything more than he is over this night

he and I are making the exact same face

these entire awards are just a figment of rami malek’s imagination

Oh, no, Taraji P Henson, I very much so want to miss it

She took the travolta mantle

And knew he did, too

that suave little shit, give him an award

ok but who was the little vampire

hold on i’ll get a pic

Thisssss kid

that is Lorne Michaels before his nightly feast

Ahhhhhh

see folks that’s a call back to roughly 14 hours ago, when this show started

I’mdead

Every year that passes is another I’m glad Henry Winkler is still alive

also, who watches bloodline

I feel like we should’ve just stopped doing award shows the day David Bowie died

Like who else should get awards anymore

We should have given david bowie more awards while we had the chance

Shit, shut it down

what awards are even left? just leads and best shows, right?

we’ve reached capacity it says online!

ughhh wait let me go check it out

there’s a chance there’s…literally nothing we can do?

It…might be fixed?

no, no it’s not