Have you brought me my latte yet? I need a latte every morning and I’m very particular about what temperature I need my latte at. Because I am a Fashionable Business Boss and if my latte isn’t at exactly the correct temperature I’ll say something witty and biting about how incompetent you are, probably referencing your outfit.
You see, I know you’re the star of this movie or television show, but you are also my assistant at this vaguely media-related company and I have impeccable standards. That’s why I’m always in a designer dress and heels and a chunky statement necklace. So you know how powerful and also how fashionable I am.
Yes, I’m a successful woman, thank you for noticing. I had to work my ass off to get here, and now that I’m here I’m going to namedrop to my heart’s content. No, of course I’m not in a relationship. I had to sacrifice to get where to where I am: being the most powerful Fashionable Business Boss in Media City! Do you know how hard it is to try to run a successful magazine company as a woman? It’s very hard. Every morning I have to practice a Miranda Priestly impression in the mirror to make sure my smirk will be just right.
Even though you have worked for me for two years, I will still always get your name wrong. I don’t care about you…or do I?
Because one day, I’ll notice how you saved the big account, and how you let me take credit because you overheard the Chairman of the Board was trying to arrange a coup to take my company away from me, and you were the one who figured out a way to save my job. “Thank you,” I’ll say simply and tartly, but then I’ll add your real name. See? I knew it all along.
I probably have a child. I love him very much but I am not a good mother. He is only in two episodes.
I am perpetually single because I chose my career. If I do go on a date, it will be with a hilariously unattractive man that I should probably settle for because even though I am successful and thin and gorgeous and rich I just can’t seem to get a man.
When you’re having a crisis in your life, I will be there with advice that just happens to relate perfectly to your situation. “I see so much potential in you,” I’ll say, eyes flashing. But just when the moment was becoming nice, I’ll undercut it. “That is, I would see potential in you if I weren’t blinded by the shine on those cheap polyester pants.” But you get it. It’s all in good fun. I am very encouraging and inspiring, even though I am never nice and also never smile.