The most important, glorious thing about season seven of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is that Yolanda Hadid is not on it. Having outworn her welcome by at least two seasons, even Yo’s bestie Erika Girardi seems relieved the Dutch stage mom was not asked to return.
This episode is very boring, which might be a harbinger for the rest of the season. We open with Kyle Richards in her gym-turned-closet, which is downright dinky compared to the ones her friends Lisa Vanderpump and Bethenny Frankel have. Vanderpump calls and asks Kyle, “Are you lying on your lazy ass?” Better question: Is there anything more grating than someone who constantly talks about how hard they work? Vanderpump has many fine qualities to offset this habit of hers, but she reminds me too much of Vicki “I work!” Gunvalson here.
Kyle and LVP make plans to have dinner with their husbands and Lisa’s friend Dorit Kemsley and her husband. Dorit is the new cast member, an Israeli-American who grew up in Connecticut, has lived in Europe, and considers herself a New Yorker. If you say so, sweetie. Dorit’s opening montage motto is, “When you’ve traveled the world, you can speak in any accent you want.” Sure thing, but everybody can and will call you out for sounding ridiculous.
When the couples gather for dinner at PUMP, Dorit’s husband PK has a legit working class English accent. But as down-to-earth as PK seems, his business success has been far more impressive than any other husband we’ve seen in any franchise Real Housewives. At one point, his personal wealth was estimated at over $200 million. What’s odd is his current job is managing Boy George, who also lives with the couple. Dorit claims she’s a swimwear designer.
Over dinner, Lisa is whinging about the fight she had in Dubai with Lisa Rinna, and is clearly still mad at both her and Eileen Davidson. Dorit takes a stand on the matter, saying, “I don’t like the idea of women treating women terribly and bullying.” Has she seen this show?
Meanwhile, Rinna says her father’s death in January made her realize what’s really important in life – like the new car her husband Harry Hamlin gives her as we watch. Rinna says she doesn’t have time to worry about Vanderpump, because she’s way too busy being a mom. Cue clip of Rinna asking her daughter Amelia how long she’s had a cartilage piercing. Amelia: “Literally two years.”
Erika, Kyle and Eileen meet for dinner, and Eileen is positively glowing. She says her mom’s recent passing showed her just how trivial her issues with Vanderpump were. Kyle thinks everyone will get along just fine eventually, and says Vanderpump and Rinna will reconcile because “Rinna’s a little easier to manipulate.” Read: Eileen is smarter, and not insane.
Dorit is at home, prepping for Erika’s Studio 54-themed 45th birthday party. She’s getting her makeup and hair done while discussing holiday schedules with her husband’s assistant. Dorit’s army of home help includes a baby nurse for her 4-month-old daughter Phoenix, multiple nannies for her son Jagger, and three full-time housekeepers. This frees Dorit to watch ‘Game of Thrones’ in bed with her husband and Boy George, which she says is just how they live: “surrounded by celebrities.” There is something almost endearing in Dorit’s completely transparent ache to be envied.
Kyle is one of the few birthday party guests who actually stepped foot in Studio 54. As Kyle tells it, when she was 10 years old her mother would drag her and Kim out to party with Rick James and Andy Warhol. Kyle says her mom “didn’t believe in rules” and “did what she wanted.” What Kyle doesn’t say, but is obvious, is that she took over as the adult of the family out of sheer necessity, and Kim followed in her mother’s footsteps. And no, Kim isn’t at the party.
The two Lisas are circling each other, and Rinna claims her new motto is “I’d rather be better than bitter.” LVP’s new motto seems to be “I’d rather be caught up in petty drama even though I have wealth, family, and supposedly a lot of work to do.” She comments on Rinna’s long wig, telling her, “I might give it a tug later. It would be well deserved.” Vanderpump doesn’t even pretend she’s kidding. She clearly has zero inclination to move on from what happened in Dubai. And she’s already getting Dorit firmly entrenched on her side, remarking that Eileen was “cold” to her at the party. Eileen says she’s “struggling” with the LVP situation and Vanderpump giving her cold shoulder. In fact, LVP blatantly turns her back on Eileen and walks away, leaving Dorit behind. Vanderpump is visibly displeased that Dorit didn’t follow her, and in fact is hitting it off with Eileen. Dorit invites Eileen to her 40th birthday party, saying, “She seems nothing but sweet and nice.” This might be the funniest, most worthy thing Dorit does all season.
Are we really going to get through this party without Kyle Richards doing the splits? She does go out of her way to tell Erika’s husband Tom that Mauricio was just looking at private jets. If Mauricio gets a G4 while Kyle is stuffing all her caftans into that tiny closet, she is getting a raw deal from that man.
At the end of the episode, everyone is dancing except LVP. PK urges her to go and join them, which she does. Vanderpump says she knows some of the women would be happy if she wasn’t part of the group, but she’s “coming back stronger than ever.” What she’s “coming back” from is not clear, but let’s just be glad it’s LVP saying it and not Yolanda.
