Opening shots include Dorit “Connecticut” Kemsley, elegant as ever in gold lamé heels, pretending for the cameras that she knows how to change her son’s diaper. So far we have Connecticut trying to convince us she’s a loving mother, has an effortless British accent, and is Boy George’s landlady. Nope, nope, nope. (No mention whatsoever of Boy George this week or why he’s still nowhere to be seen around his “home,” so perhaps Dorit’s finally dropping the pretense about him being a fixture of her family’s domestic life.)
Erika Girardi is preparing to leave for a meeting at ‘The Young and the Restless’ to discuss her upcoming role. She calls her husband Tom for a pep talk. He’s very supportive, telling her he’s proud and saying how cool the opportunity is. “I’m not a professional actress,” Erika admits. “I’m a showgirl.” But she’s excited for this shot at a role on such an iconic soap, and has no time for people who put deadlines on professional success.
Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump meet in the bar at Villa Blanca, and Lisa immediately starts talking about all the hard work she’s doing (yes, this again). She is focused on getting local and national politicians to condemn the Yulin Dog Meat Festival, as if people who trade dog meat in China care about what American politicians and reality stars think. “We need to make it political, put the pressure on China. And that’s what we’re doing,” she says. Anyone who approaches philanthropic work with outsized ambition should be applauded, but if LVP thinks she’s going to pressure the Chinese government into anything, she might want to dial it back a notch. Lisa says in her face-to-camera interview that she wants it to be her “life’s work” to stop the Yulin festival. Right now, her life’s work seems to be starring in multiple reality shows that run on her petty drama.
Lisa quickly changes gears and starts making fun of Erika, repeating the lie that Erika flashed her “coochamonga.” LVP clearly thinks she’s very clever when she tells Kyle, “I saw what Mr. Girardi’s been munching on for the past 20 years.” Common as muck, this one. You’ll hear more sophisticated humor in the locker room of a high school football team.
We see a flashback to a previous conversation in which Dorit lies to Kyle that Erika was sitting with her legs “ajar” and giving her husband PK a view of her genitals. It is deeply disturbing that Connecticut and PK have colluded to perpetuate this untruth.
At the Y&R set, Erika meets the executive producer, Mal, with Eileen Davidson. Eileen tells him Erika was named after ‘All My Children’ character Erica Kane, and brags about what a talented performer Erika is. It’s so refreshing to see a genuine, reciprocal friendship on this show. Mal asks Erika what type of woman she is – perhaps the girl next door? Erika guffaws and says, “Maybe the hooker next door.” Hard not to like someone who doesn’t take herself too seriously.
Dorit has remembered she has kids, and fortunately the cameras are there to capture it. She and PK take four-month-old Phoenix to the doctor to find out if she can stop wearing the massive white plastic helmet that’s helping correct her wonky skull. Phoenix is adorable, but again Dorit voices her displeasure at having her child’s appearance marred with this medically necessary device. She is quite relieved when the doctor says the baby can stop wearing it. Connecticut coos at Phoenix about how beautiful and cute she is without that helmet – because obviously being pretty is the most important quality a female can possess. Phoenix looks at Dorit and wonders who she is.
Lisa Rinna is at QVC, kicking off their “day of stars” and selling her fashion brand. She will go on the air eight different times over the course of 24 hours. Rinna says her dream is to make so much money with her clothing line that husband Harry Hamlin will only have to take jobs he really wants to do. “Because for so many years he has worked so hard to support our family,” Rinna says, getting choked up talking about being able to “give that gift back to him.”
Kyle sweeps into the house, telling her assistant she needs a new iPhone and an iPad Mini so she can view casting sessions for her TV Land scripted series on a larger screen. She says she needs to call “Moe.” Wait, that’s what she calls Mauricio? Did we know this? Kyle tells Moe (!) how surreal it was to see strangers auditioning to play her and her mom’s friends. She didn’t have Portia audition because she thinks she’s too young and it would have been odd. Kyle gives Moe the “good news” that they can shoot the show in LA and she won’t have to spend a month in Canada for production. Mauricio’s response is along the lines of, “Oh…great.”
Eileen very sweetly calls in to QVC to talk to Lisa Rinna on-air. Rinna says she ended up having a very successful 24 hours on QVC, selling more in one day than she did in a year at her now-closed stores.
It’s a day that ends in Y, so Lisa Vanderpump is talking ad nauseam about how hard she works. Dude, we get it. She says she’s “pulled around” to do work for her restaurants and “all the work I do for the LGBT community.” Even though LVP’s self-description as a “gay advocate” has prompted snarky headlines from mainstream media, it’s very possible she has put a lot of time and resources into helping. That said, she could be a bit less self-congratulatory about it.
So it is with a local dog rescue center, where she and Ken drop in for a visit. Lisa gets the scripted on-camera thank you that she paid for, as one of the staff members is trotted out to gush about how amazing she is. You have to take your hat off to anyone who helps rescue dogs and find them loving homes. But the staged nature of this praise for LVP is just icky.
Eileen, Rinna, and Dorit meet for drinks. Rinna compliments the trashy Lucite heels Connecticut is wearing, inspired by the refined elegance of porn stars Courtney Stodden and Shauna Sand. Dorit wastes no time in gushing that PK was “so uncomfortable” by the vagina-flashing that never happened. Dorit, clearly misjudging the loyalties of Rinna and Eileen, talks trash about Erika having failed “Lady 101.” Rinna is not impressed. Eileen says she can’t wait to be there when Dorit mentions it to Erika.
The next day, Dorit and Kyle go shopping, and Kyle asks if she and the girls talked about Pantygate. That’s like asking if Dorit’s kids call their nannies Mommy. Yes, obviously. Dorit tells Kyle, “Of course I have to make fun of her when I see her.” No you don’t, you classless phony. Kyle states the obvious: Erika would never knowingly flash anyone. On Dorit claiming PK “couldn’t help” but stare, Kyle says, “Yeah, right” and rolls her eyes. Unfortunately, she says it in her interview and not to Dorit’s face. Dorit picks up a pair of panties and says she’s going to give them to Erika and tell her to wear them next time. Kyle tells her, “If you do that without me standing there, I’m never talking to you again.”
In the car on their way to an escape room expedition with the other women (yes, you just saw this set-up on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’), Eileen congratulates Erika on her ninth #1 hit on the Billboard dance charts and tells her Y&R’s executive producer wants her to come in and read for him. Then he’ll have the writers create a part just for her. That sound you just heard was LVP’s fragile ego shattering into a million pieces.
The women have started arriving at the escape room, with Dorit tottering in wearing a pair of black high heels. Erika asks why she’s wearing pumps. Connecticut says in her interview, “I have never found a single thing I could not do in a pump,” giving a wink. She and that creepy husband of hers are a perfect match.
Dorit pretends she is totally good natured and relaxed about the fictional flashing she and PK made up. Approaching Erika with the underwear she bought her, Dorit says PK told her he couldn’t stop staring. Hearing this, Erika’s eyes get huge with alarm. It has to be really freaking strange to hear someone talk in detail about something that never happened and how they feel about it. Dorit falls over Erika laughing, saying, “You must have the prettiest vagina in the world.” Erika says in her interview, “The whole thing is kinda weird.” Erika thanks her – MUCH more graciously than Dorit deserves – for the panties and tries to move on.
Kyle arrives and Dorit tells her, “I’ve just given Erika my present I bought her yesterday.”
Erika: “I tried to forget it.”
Dorit: “It sort of took on a life of its own.”
Erika: “How’s that?”
Dorit: “Because of what a weirdo liar and gossip I am.”
No, of course Connecticut didn’t tell the truth. Instead she says everybody’s been talking about it – as if she hasn’t been the one initiating those conversations.
Erika makes it clear she only went commando because of the dress, not to be salacious. Dorit finally drops the jokey affectation and lays into Erika for daring to go without underwear in a short dress. “It wasn’t that I thought you were trying to seduce my husband or anything…” she says. Erika has had enough. “I’m going to give you a really good piece of advice in front of everyone. The more you talk about shit, the worse it gets. Just be careful.”
In her interview, Connecticut lays on the melodrama: “Is that a threat? It’s a little bit too ominous and it’s a little bit too scary, to be perfectly honest.” If you’re such a delicate flower, you shouldn’t go around making up reputation-soiling lies about people. Do bugger off, Dorit.
LVP comes in, perfectly timed, and says Ken was annoyed at PK for not trading him places so he could see Erika’s genitals, too. Erika is exasperated in her interview: “Why do these bitches keep talking about my vagina?” Because they are horrible, horrible people. She tries to change the topic and move them on to the actual escape room, but LVP says, “No, let’s get back to your coochie.” For someone who wants us to see her as the poor, put-upon ethical compass of the cast, LVP sure does a killer impersonation of a morally bankrupt bully.
The scenes of the women trying to get out of the escape room are totally boring. LVP, being the ridiculous person she is, says she not just trying to escape the room, she’s trying to escape Eileen. The women escape, of course. Then they go out to eat. Someone asks how Kim Richards is doing. Kyle says she’s excited for her new grandchild to be born and, in her interview, she describes Kim as “sober.” The fact that Kim is not in the cast right now is a good sign that this is true.
Eileen says they worked as teams to get out of the escape room, “we overcame our obstacles and we worked it out.” Kyle, ever the stirrer, asks, “Are you talking about the game, or are you talking about you and Lisa?” LVP exclaims, “Both! Both!” Yeah, okay.
Kyle further instigates by telling everyone that Dorit bought clothes at the same shop where she bought Erika’s underwear. LVP says she missed that whole conversation and wants to know what happened.
Erika: “She bought me underwear.”
LVP: “That was it?”
Erika: “Well, ask her.”
Dorit: “Listen, I don’t want Erika to feel terrible about it.”
Erika: “I don’t. I really don’t.”
Erika continues, saying that she still doesn’t think PK got a look at anything between her legs. But, if he had, she thinks he should have said something to spare her further embarrassment. Dorit says PK wouldn’t lie about this, it totally happened. Rinna says in her interview, “PK’s talking about it and he’s staring at it? EW! EW! EW!”
Erika says, “It’s all good, it doesn’t matter.” But Dorit wants to talk about it away from the group. Erika says very matter-of-factly, “Dorit, I don’t need to chat about it at all. I think this ends the conversation. There’s nothing to say.” Way to take the wind out of the sails of a thirsty New Englander!
Desperate for a storyline, Dorit won’t drop it. Erika is adamant that neither PK nor anyone else got a look at her genitals. Dorit says in her interview, “Sorry, sweetheart, but if you serve it up on a platter, what are you expecting? Of course he’s gonna stare at it!” Connecticut expects her husband to act like a sleazeball. What an enviable marriage!
Dorit will not shut the hell up, and she really needs to. Erika finally shuts her down. “Got it. Got it,” she says. Kyle says in her interview that Erika is very cool and calm but she knows she “wants to take this bitch down.” Dorit is STILL talking. Erika says, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” and asks for another margarita. LVP, desperate for Erika to suffer, asks, “Is this the end of it?” Erika and Dorit say, in unison, “For me it is.” They high five. One of them is lying.