A Quick Word From: A ‘Rogue One’ Stormtrooper on Coconut Duty

Hello, I am a stormtrooper on the planet Scarif. With all of the palm trees there are a lot of coconuts. My job is to move all the coconuts.

(Previously on “A Quick Word From“)

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Just a casual Star Wars coconut hunt.
Just a casual Star Wars coconut hunt. Walt Disney Studios

Hello, I am a stormtrooper on the beach planet Scarif. With all of the palm trees, there are quite a lot of coconuts. My job is to move all of the coconuts.

Every morning I wake up and marvel at the beach-front beauty of our Imperial Security Complex. Then, I change from my stormtrooper pajama outfit to my stormtrooper coconut-collecting outfit. They look similar but have different pockets. Then I get out there and start moving the coconuts.

It’s a bad job, but I understand that somebody has to do it for the Empire.

The problem with all the coconuts is that they are absolutely everywhere. It’s very hard for all of our space ships to land when the runway is mostly coconuts. So every day I start picking them up and putting them in my stormtrooper coconut wheelbarrow.

The thing with coconuts is you can’t just throw them into the water, because ten times out of ten, that coconut is coming back, and then you’ve got a water-logged coconut, which is the hardest coconut to carry, especially when you are constantly wearing battle armor.

Some of the stormtroopers like to shoot the coconuts with their laser guns to let off steam. You think this would help decrease the amount of coconuts, but it really just adds coconut debris.

I know what you’re thinking: members of the Imperial army must eat a lot of coconuts, but it’s actually far less than you’d think. Sure, we have the occasional Imperial Samoa every now and then as a treat, but we mostly burn the coconuts. Hahaha, no, no, we don’t have fun bonfires on the beach! We’re stormtroopers! We are not allowed guitars!

As I said before, I don’t really like my job that much. It is very hot in all this armor. I doubt we will ever be attacked since we are on a secluded planet on the Outer Rim surrounded by a gigantic shield, so I’m unsure why they won’t let me wear some beachware. I’m sure they could make some shiny white stormtrooper flip-flops.

It is very hard to get sand out of a stormtrooper outfit. You should see my shower drain. All sand!

The hardest part of my job is climbing the trees like a little alien monkey to collect the coconuts up there. I know, I know, why not wait for them to fall naturally? Well, imagine Grand Moff Tarkin is walking up to the base when a coconut plops him on the head? We’d be dead meat!

All stormtroopers wear helmets because we are concerned with coconuts plopping us on the head. Even when we are inside, we cannot shake the coconut fear. Darth Vader used to show off his scarred disgusting face all the time, but then he adopted a coconut shield, and it stuck.

I have a lot of time to think when I’m meandering around the beach, collecting coconuts. I mostly think about how I’m a stormtrooper and everyone I know is a stormtrooper. Sometimes I wonder what we are even fighting for or who I am or where I came from. It’s hard not to get sort of existential when collecting coconuts. But then I remember that the Empire gave me a job and meals and a cold steel bed to sleep on, and I’m grateful.

Because boy is that view beautiful.

[Note: This article was written two minutes before the stormtrooper was shot from behind and dragged off so a Rebel could impersonate him. This remains the leading cause of death for stormtroopers.]

A Quick Word From: A ‘Rogue One’ Stormtrooper on Coconut Duty