Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in the upcoming Underworld: Blood Wars, but also maybe what happens in the upcoming Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.
EXT. NIGHT
VAMPIRE: Looks like you’ve reached the end of the line, Werewolf.
WEREWOLF: Oh is that right, zombie?
VAMPIRE: I’m not a zombie, I’m a vampire.
ZOMBIE: I’m right here.
WEREWOLF: Wait, okay, is this a zombie movie?
VAMPIRE: No, wait. Wait, okay. This is vampires vs. werewolves.
ZOMBIE: Why am I here though? Which one of you is a vampire?
VAMPIRE: I’m a vampire. He’s a zombie.
WEREWOLF: I’m a werewolf, actually.
VAMPIRE: I was talking to the zombie.
ZOMBIE: I’m a zombie. This movie is Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.
WEREWOLF: No, this is Underworld: Blood Wars. These are two separate movies.
ZOMBIE: Are you sure?
WEREWOLF: Like, 95 percent.
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EXT. NIGHT. UNDERWORLD, BUT MAYBE RESIDENT EVIL
VAMPIRE: Welcome to Underworld: Blood Wars.
ZOMBIE: And welcome to Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.
WEREWOLF: I’m confused.
ZOMBIE: Okay, dropping the whole zombie braindead schtick to try to clarify here. Underworld and Resident Evil are two different franchises that are similar in a lot of ways — and just a passing glance at their trailers renders them indistinguishable from one another — but one is zombies and the other is vampires vs. werewolves.
VAMPIRE: They’re two different things but also pretty similar.
WEREWOLVES: Zombies vs. Vampires.
VAMPIRE: No. Zombies is Resident Evil. Vampires is Underworld.
ZOMBIE: Werewolves is Resident Evil.
VAMPIRE: Werewolves is Underworld actually.
ZOMBIE: You just said vampires is Underworld.
VAMPIRE: It’s both in fact. Underworld is vampires and werewolves. Resident Evil is just zombies.
WEREWOLF: Is this Resident Evil or Underworld, I’m so confused.
VAMPIRE: Honestly I’m super confused too.
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EXT. NIGHT. EITHER RESIDENT EVIL OR UNDERWORLD. ONE OR THE OTHER
ZOMBIE: I want everyone in the audience to know this is Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.
WEREWOLF: Correction: This is Underworld: Blood Wars.
VAMPIRE: My head hurts so much. Are we 100% sure this isn’t the same movie. I’ve seen both trailers. They’re nearly identical. Just a lot of explosions and CGI and monsters and people dying.
ZOMBIE: They’re definitely different. Zombies are different from vampires, though they’re both dead.
WEREWOLF: Werewolves are not dead.
VAMPIRE: Okay I’m sorry to do this, can we just watch the trailers for both Underworld: Blood Wars and Resident Evil: The Final Chapter again?
[VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF, AND ZOMBIE GATHER AROUND COMPUTER AND WATCH TRAILERS FOR UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS AND RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER]
ZOMBIE: They’re alike in a lot of ways. There’s a lot of guns and violence and everything’s dark and hard to make out what’s happening.
VAMPIRE: And yet, they’re separate movies.
WEREWOLF: I’m having a hard time here.
ZOMBIE: Me too.
[20 SOLID MINUTES OF GUNFIRE BREAK OUT]
WEREWOLF: Is this Underworld or not.
ZOMBIE: It’s Resident Evil.
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EXT. NIGHT. BOTH RESIDENT EVIL AND UNDERWORLD AT THE SAME TIME, HAPPENING SIMULTANEOUSLY
ZOMBIE: We have to defeat the humans once and for all.
VAMPIRE: And the werewolves, while we’re at it.
WEREWOLF: And the vampires.
ZOMBIE: And the humans, right?
VAMPIRE: Yes, for sure, but also the werewolves.
WEREWOLF: Along with the vampires.
ZOMBIE: And the humans.
[40 MINUTES OF THIS ARGUMENT]
VAMPIRE: I just… okay listen… jesus….
WEREWOLF: Should we fight the zombies? I don’t even know at this point how to feel about zombies.
ZOMBIE: Us zombies are fine. We’re called a “resident evil” but that’s just because it’s the name of this movie.
VAMPIRE: This is Underworld: Blood Wars, not Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. I’m 80 percent sure.
WEREWOLF: I’m going to throw up. This is a total nightmare, plain and simple.
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EXT. NIGHT. RESIDENT UNDERWORLD EVIL
ZOMBIE WEREWOLF: What the hell is happening?
VAMPIRE ZOMBIE: I’m a vampire, and also a zombie. Both at once.
WEREWOLF VAMPIRE: I still believe, despite being a genetic werewolf-vampire hybrid, that Underworld and Resident Evil are two completely different movies. They have to be.
ZOMBIE VAMPIRE: I believe that too. Saying this as both a zombie and a vampire. Both the zombie and vampire are saying this. We all agree.
MUMMY: Hello.
ZOMBIE WEREWOLF: Oh god, no.
MUMMY: There’s a mummy now. I have introduced a mummy to this whole situation.
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EXT. NIGHT. UNDERWORLD BLOOD FINAL RESIDENT CHAPTER EVIL WARS THE
[ZOMBIE, WEREWOLF, AND VAMPIRE ALL LYING FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND]
WEREWOLF: Let me posit this: If I could open up a portal in time and space allowing me to go back and prevent both the Underworld and Resident Evil franchises from ever happening, I would do that. In a heartbeat.
ZOMBIE: If I spend too much time thinking about my own existence, it’s as though I can feel my skull literally separating into several dozen pieces.
VAMPIRE: Wait, isn’t Wesley Snipes in this?
WEREWOLF: You’re thinking of the Blade movies. Those are — it’s — those — god. I can’t.
ZOMBIE: Wait, which one is Blade?
WEREWOLF: It’s basically this. Just all of this, but a little different.
VAMPIRE: So, a third franchise.
WEREWOLF: I don’t want to to do this anymore.
ZOMBIE: This is Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.
