(Previously on “A Quick Word From…”)
Caw-Caw-Caw-Caw! Hello, I’m a seagull, and let me tell you, I just landed in a real bummer of a town.
I was flying north with my seagull family when I spotted a lovely little town that I thought would be perfect for me to squawk at and pick at fish bones. I landed on the dock, let out a loud “CAW-CAW!” and was immediately shushed by a woman in black who informed me that it wasn’t a good time.
Sure enough, everywhere we flew was imbued with a pervasive sense of melancholy. Keep in mind, beaches are normally very fun, so this was new for us gulls. Normally if someone is crying on the beach, it’s because of a sunburn-related problem. There is no sunburn in Manchester-by-the-Sea.
It’s very awkward when people are emotionally screaming at each other about the past, and I’m just looking for some funnel cake scraps. No one in Manchester-by-the-Sea is ever in a funnel cake mood.
My first thought about what might have happened here? Sharks. Apparently it’s something much sadder than sharks.
What happened? Do I want to know? Probably not, right? This place is sadder than Boston, a city full of people fighting over who has the most traumatic backstory.
Since I’m basically a rat with wings, I’m used to being chased away. In Manchester-by-the-Sea, I literally walk up to people and grab a sandwich out of their hands as they stare off into space. Where’s the fun in that?
Just once I want someone to toss me a French fry without sobbing.
Sometimes I’ll purposefully poop on a guy, and he will somberly wipe it off like it is so far from being the worst part of his day. Seriously, what the hell happened here? I kept hearing how sad Manchester-by-the-Sea was, but it wasn’t until I actually arrived that I realized how soul-crushingly depressing it truly is. It’s almost too sad. I mean, it can be pretty funny at times, but overall it’s just like…. Jesus, you know? CAW CAW!
Even the fish in Manchester-by-the-Sea are depressed. Whenever I eat a minnow, it simply lets out a defeated, guttural “I can’t beat it… I can’t beat it.”
This is a sad place where sad things happen, and it is no place for any seagull or man.
I need to get out of here. Why would I stay? Just because I have family here? My gull family should realize that I can’t handle it here. It’s just too hard. I have to leave. I have to go back to Boston. Goodbye, Manchester-by-the-Sea, you are undeniably beautiful, but I am never coming back. Please look out for my seagull nephew. He is a good kid with a lot of seagull girlfriends.