Riverdale on CW is the most CW show to ever CW on the CW. In honor of its glorious premiere, I’m counting down everything I saw in its first episode, “River’s Edge,” that made me go, “Oh my god, this is the most CW thing I’ve ever seen.”
Incredibly hot and improbably old-looking teenagers. These kids are supposed to be SOPHOMORES in high school. That’s like, between fifteen and sixteen years old. Some of these kids can’t drive yet. They are infant children. And somehow also twenty-five-year old models.
Teenager murder. Pretty Little Liars is basically the CW, right?
A gay best friend that you just casually hang out with while you’re in your bra.
Incredibly sophisticated pop culture references. Within fifteen minutes, Veronica references In Cold Blood, Breakfast at Tiffany’s , Our Town, and Blue Jasmine. What a repertoire.
Amazing fashion. God bless whatever high schooler wears a hooded cape.
A student having sex with a teacher. Statutory rape should not be as common as it’s depicted in CW shows.
Abs. I don’t remember any kids from my high school having abs.
Parents who are in legal trouble
Parents that flirt with one another creepily.
Betty’s mom giving her Adderall to help her… get into college? Prescription drug problems feel very CW.
A school assembly being like, a thing people go to and care about.
Archie and Jughead having a mysterious past. Teenagers are so deep. Things happen. Things change. We’re so complicated.
Jughead being a novelist. Lord have mercy on whoever has to read this fifteen-year-old’s novel about his small town. Someone check to see if he’s also Gossip Girl.