(Previously on “A Quick Word From“)
It is I, the Lincoln Log Batman. I am the carved crusader, the dark mahogany knight, the watchful protector of old-timey log forts and homes, and I am here to show you that Lincoln Logs are dark and badass and funny and a good time still.
Sure, Legos may be “fun” and “hip” and “able to successfully integrate into the 21st century,” but the fine people at Lincoln Log have introduced me, Lincoln Log Batman, to help patrol the filthy streets of early 1800’s Kentucky. This’ll work.
How can a series of interlocking wooden logs fight crime? It is very hard, if I am being honest. I am extraordinary immobile. Other Batmans have extensive rogue galleries that consist of ne’er-do-wells like The Penguin, but my main villains are fire and the pushback against deforestation.
When I was a young sapling, my parents, two large oak trees, were brutally burned for firewood in front of my “eyes” by a group of well-meaning prospectors. I vowed then and there that I would protect logs everywhere. Now I patrol the prairie with the help of my butler, a piece of sandpaper.
I just want to clarify that I look like a totem pole, but with a cape.
By night I am Lincoln Log Batman, but by day I am thousandaire playboy Fort Sumter. Shhhhh, don’t tell anyone, or Lincoln Log Joker, a large sawmill, will hurt those who who are closest to me. This includes Lincoln Log Catwoman, a cat shed, and Robin, an actual bird.
When Sheriff Gordan flashes up the Bat Smoke-Signal, I roll my way over in the Bat-Covered Wagon drawn by the Bat-Horses. You get it.
Some of my greatest adventures involve fighting Lincoln Log Mr. Freeze, portrayed here by the harsh realities of an upcoming winter. Better snuggle the entire family in your one bed, or Lincoln Log Mr. Freeze will give the little ones hypothermia. What’s this? Lincoln Log Batman has arrived in time to give added stability to your structure? The children will last the night! (So long as the diphtheria doesn’t get them).
In case you were wondering, Lincoln Log Two-Face is a floating log that Lumberjacks have to run across. Can you believe that all of these fun Lincoln Logs are available now?
Check me out now in the VHS-only “The Lincoln Log Batman Movie,” in which I spend the entire movie watching a family make butter. There may be a cameo by K-Nex Superman. He is a series of thin sticks that barely resemble a human, but, boy, is his structural integrity solid.
So please, please buy Lincoln Logs. We are the toy that America deserves, but not the one it needs right now.