Goop has officially out-Gooped itself. A recent article by “life advisor” Suzannah Galland advises women to burn their expensive lingerie in a ritualistic fire to forget about terrible exes.
I like a fancy e-vite as much as the next girl, but I prefer invitations to brunch, happy hour cocktails or unbearable birthday dinners, not ritualistic fires. If a friend asked me to join her for a night of bra burning, I would have to pass. Hard. I would only attend if it meant burning my most uncomfortable bras. You know—the ones you hoped would one day fit correctly, or stop stabbing you in the ribs—not the overpriced lacy numbers purchased to wear in the presence of previous suitors.
The Goop advice is simple. First, find a safe space to light a fire. Unfortunately, that can be difficult in a minuscule New York apartment. Luckily, I have a garden apartment, so I can easily start a garbage fire
in my alleyway on my stunning patio. Hopefully my neighbor won’t mind.
The writer also suggests inviting “a few close friends to join you.” I personally recommend not telling your pals until they arrive. Simply make a Facebook event for a mysterious ritual, worthy of the most recent Magicians episode. Once they enter, they will be surprised to find you cursing your ex, covered in tears and looming over a dumpster fire. Make sure they Instagram it the moment, to guarantee you will have no future relationships worth burning bras over.
Before the ritual begins, Galland recommended you “write out a few words, or recite a prayer to help release and forgive.” If penning a prayer in the heat of the moment seems too difficult, peruse your old LiveJournal entries for inspiration or read MySpace-worthy song lyrics. May we suggest Dashboard Confessional? Finally, throw the haunted lingerie that reminds you of your ex into the fire.
The last step is to “Watch intently as the pieces burn. Know that your past is recycling into the ethers, liberating your future.” Then, venture into the world, braless. Just don’t forget to put the fire out first. And maybe book a doctor’s appointment; you never know what noxious fumes might have been released when you put your pricey bra to rest.