Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in that boy-born-on-Mars movie, The Space Between Us.
STRANGER: Wow, so you were really born on Mars?
GARDNER ELLIOT: Indeed I was.
STRANGER: Crazy. What was that like?
GARDNER: Well, I mean I don’t really remember it.
STRANGER: I think if I were born on Mars I’d remember it.
GARDNER: Eh, that’s not really how the human mind works.
STRANGER: You seriously don’t remember anything at all about being born on Mars?
GARDNER: I don’t remember being born. On Mars.
STRANGER: That really sucks.
GARDNER: I guess.
STRANGER: If I had been born on Mars, you better believe I’d remember it.
GARDNER: You already said that.
STRANGER 2: Hey!
STRANGER 2: Aren’t you the guy who was born on Mars or something?
GARDNER: Haha yeah, that’s me.
STRANGER 2: Holy shit.
GARDNER: I know.
STRANGER 2: I mean, tell me everything.
GARDNER: You know, weirdly enough there’s just not that much to say. I guess I would liken being born on Mars to being born here, on Earth. But on Mars, if that makes sense.
STRANGER 2: It makes sense, it’s just…
STRANGER 2: I don’t know, I mean, you were born on MARS! That’s, like, incredible right?
GARDNER: It’s definitely unique, for sure. There’s just not that much else to say about it, unfortunately.
STRANGER 2: But you were born on Mars.
STRANGER 2: …
STRANGER 2: …
STRANGER 3: Wait, you’re —
STRANGER 3: Get the hell out of town.
GARDNER: Haha, yeah that’s me. I was born on Mars.
STRANGER 3: So, born on Mars. Start from the top. Let’s hear it.
GARDNER: Well, you know, I was born on Mars. And then, um, well I came here to Earth.
STRANGER 3: Sorry it feels like you skipped over some important stuff there.
GARDNER: Well I wasn’t conscious for, you know, the first part of my life, of course.
STRANGER 3: But being on Mars must’ve been cool.
GARDNER: It was fine. It was very red.
STRANGER 3: Sorry, can you just make something up? This kinda sucks.
GARDNER: Make something up about… being born on Mars?
STRANGER 3: Yeah, just anything interesting, at all.
GARDNER: But you already know it won’t be true? What’s the point?
STRANGER 3: I can delude myself enough. Just… tell me some cool Mars shit.
GARDNER: Okay, um. There’s big red dragons that live underground on Mars.
STRANGER 3: YES!
GARDNER: There’s like an order, or a council of dragons and there’s a dragon king and when a human is born on Mars, when he reaches a certain age, he’s ordained by the king dragon and infused with ancient Martian dragon blood.
STRANGER 3: This is extremely my shit. Don’t stop.
GARDNER: Yeah? You like this? So I’m the bridge. The connection. The only link in the universe between Martian dragons and Earth humans.
STRANGER 3: Is there a war coming? Tell me there’s a war coming.
GARDNER: Oh, you bet. A big, big war. And who I ally myself with will be the key to determining who wins the war. Between humans and dragons. All of this is extremely true.
STRANGER 3: Love it. Thank you so much. You rock, man.
GARDNER: No problem.
STRANGER 4: You the Mars guy?
GARDNER: Yep. What would you like to know?
STRANGER 4: Nothing, Mars blows.
STRANGER 4: You heard me. What a dump. Cold, desolate. No thanks.
GARDNER: I mean, yeah. You’re not wrong.
STRANGER 4: Go to hell.
GARDNER: Point taken.