‘Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens FOX’s Jack Bauer-less 24 reboot.
EPISODE 1, HOUR 1. EXT. DAY
ERIC CARTER: We have to move fast! The terrorists’ bomb will detonate in less than 2 minutes. If we don’t–
COLLEAGUE: Actually, hold up. The terrorists just called and they’ve deactivated the bomb.
CARTER: We got to — wait, what?
COLLEAGUE: Yep. The threat has been neutralized by the very people who threatened us in the first place. They don’t want to do this, they decided. They don’t want to hurt anybody.
CARTER: I don’t understand. Our sources said the attack was going to happen at —
COLLEAGUE: No, I mean, our sources were right. Initially. The terrorists just up and changed their minds. I checked. They don’t want conflict after all. So it goes, I guess.
CARTER: I’m sorry, that can’t be right.
COLLEAGUE: It can be right. And it is. You should be grateful, I think? Like, a lot of people’s lives were about to be ended.
CARTER: No I mean, it’s awesome. It’s totally awesome. I just — I’m not sure what to do now.
COLLEAGUE: You’ll figure it out.
EPISODE 2, HOUR 2. EXT. DAY
CARTER: Okay, what’s the latest threat.
COLLEAGUE: Glad you asked! There aren’t any.
CARTER: But, come on, there has to be. I’m sorry but there’s always a threat.
COLLEAGUE: No threats of terrorism today. We’re all clear. It’s pretty nice honestly.
CARTER: Right, of course, I don’t disagree. It’s nice there’s no terrorism or threats against our country right now. It’s just —
COLLEAGUE: I’m sorry, it almost feels like you want there to be some terrorism or something violent going on.
CARTER: I don’t. I don’t. Honestly. It’s just like, what else am I if not defending America from someone attacking it?
COLLEAGUE: Listen, go for a walk. Clear your head. We’ll talk again in an hour.
CARTER: Okay. Seriously, I don’t want there to be any violence or explosions or attacks. You know that right?
COLLEAGUE: I know. Just take a breather.
EPISODE 5, HOUR 5. EXT. DAY
CARTER: Something doesn’t feel right. There’s something wrong but I can’t put my finger on it. America is about to be attacked.
COLLEAGUE: You know what, believe it or not, there’s zero evidence of any potential threats.
CARTER: But that’s not possible! I’m sorry but it’s just not. There is literally always someone plotting some sort of attack against our homeland.
COLLEAGUE: I don’t know what to tell you, man, everything’s peaceful and all clear right now.
CARTER: I don’t buy it.
COLLEAGUE: I’m not asking you to buy anything. Nobody wants to attack us. Shit is very chill right now. Let’s grab a beer or something.
CARTER: Why don’t I grab you by the throat and torture you until you tell me what’s really going on?
COLLEAGUE: You need a vacation. You ever been to Glacier National Park? You should. It’s incredible. Also, the glaciers are shrinking and scientists predict they’ll be totally gone by 2030.
CARTER: Is seriously not a single terrorist cell going to attack us at any point today?
COLLEAGUE: Not a one.
EPISODE 11, HOUR 11. EXT. DAY
COLLEAGUE: I have good news and bad news.
CARTER: Yeah, okay, hit me.
COLLEAGUE: The good news: Every single enemy of America that ever existed just hosted a joint press conference and announced they have no intention of ever trying to harm America ever again. They love us and think we’re awesome. Isn’t that great?
CARTER: It’s — yeah. Yeah, it’s really great. So what’s the bad news?
COLLEAGUE: There is no bad news.
CARTER: Then why did you present it to me this way?
COLLEAGUE: Hahaha did you want there to be bad news?
CARTER: No, of course, I don’t want bad news. I’m just unclear why you told me there was good news and bad news if there wasn’t any bad news.
COLLEAGUE: Okay, here’s the bad news.
CARTER: Thank you.
COLLEAGUE: Permanent world peace might get a little boring.
CARTER: I’m not enjoying any of this at all.
EPISODE 24, HOUR 24. EXT. DAY
COLLEAGUE: Actual bad news this time.
CARTER: Let me guess, you like accidentally stepped on a cute caterpillar or something.
COLLEAGUE: Los Angeles, New York, DC, and Chicago were all just destroyed in nuclear explosions.
CARTER: You gotta be kidding me.
COLLEAGUE: No, unfortunately. I was wrong this entire time. I was wrong about a whole lot, come to find out.
CARTER: What are we doing about this?
COLLEAGUE: We’ve already been invaded actually. By China or Russia or France or I have no clue, to be honest. All of my sources are dead.
CARTER: You realize you’ve spent the last 24 hours telling me repeatedly that there was —