‘Imagined Dialogue For’ is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott, of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at guessing what happens in the mega-monster movie prequel, Kong: Skull Island.
EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
SOLDIER 1: Okay, stay sharp. We don’t know what could be out there in this jungle.
SOLDIER 2: Right, yes. Could be anything. Tigers, bears, pythons, a hundred foot tall ape. Anything at all.
SOLDIER 1: Well probably not the last thing, but, sure. Tigers, bears, pythons. Keep your eyes peeled.
[KING KONG SUDDENLY APPEARS]
SOLDIER 2: YES!!
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EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
SOLDIER 1: Alright, walk softly. Danger lurks around every corner in this jungle.
SOLDIER 2: You got it. This island is a dangerous place and we have to be prepared for anything.
SOLDIER 1: Poisonous spiders, mountain lions, anything you can think of–
SOLDIER 2: A hundred foot tall ape. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
SOLDIER 1: Haha well, you did get me last time with the giant ape prediction, but probably not again.
SOLDIER 2: Just saying, it happened once. Could happen again.
SOLDIER 1: I think one go-round with a giant ape is probably enough for anyone.
SOLDIER 2: You’d think so, but not me. I need two giant ape adventures. At least.
SOLDIER 1: Really?
[KING KONG APPEARS]
SOLDIER 2: Hell yeah!!
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EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
SOLDIER 1: Okay, you know the drill. Stay low and quiet. We can’t let–
SOLDIER 2: Fingers crossed for a hundred foot tall ape.
SOLDIER 1: Wow. Again?
SOLDIER 2: I’m a man who knows what he wants.
SOLDIER 1: One time I understand. Two times, ok, sure. But three King Kongs? Who needs that many King–
SOLDIER 2: I do.
SOLDIER 1: No but all joking aside, why would anyone want a third–
SOLDIER 2: I just do. I cannot get enough of King Kong.
SOLDIER 1: Help me understand. What stone was left unturned during the first two times this happened?
SOLDIER 2: See, you’re trying to apply logic to a gut feeling. Why does the moon revolve around the sun? Why does the sun revolve around the earth? There’s a balance.
SOLDIER 1: Neither of them do that.
[KING KONG APPEARS]
SOLDIER 2: BOOM. There he is.
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EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
SOLDIER 1: Go ahead.
SOLDIER 2: What?
SOLDIER 1: Say it.
SOLDIER 2: Say what? What are you talking about?
SOLDIER 1: Don’t play stupid with me. Say you want more King Kong.
SOLDIER 2: You know what, actually, I think three King Kongs is probably all the King Kongs I need. I’m all King Kong’d out.
SOLDIER 1: Seriously?
SOLDIER 2: Haha nope. Bring on more Kong, man. I was born for this.
SOLDIER 1: Forgive me but this is just such a weirdly specific thing to want to keep exposing yourself to over and over. An incredibly big ape that runs around going crazy and smashing shit up. I can understand the appeal of this happening once, maybe two times in case you forgot what happened the first time. But four King Kongs? The same thing? Over and over? Same ape, same story, over and over again?
SOLDIER 2: I’ll put this as clearly as I can: My appetite for King Kong will never be satiated. Not in a hundred million years. The sun could go nova tomorrow and I honestly wouldn’t give a damn so long as they were able to somehow crank out one more King Kong before a colossal wave of fire consumed everything I’d ever loved. That’s the honest to goodness truth. My hunger for more Kong is vast and immovable. There will never be enough King Kongs for me. Not today, not tomorrow. Never. I. Just. Want. More. Kong.
SOLDIER 1: This isn’t healthy or sustainable. You’ll never be able to grow as a person if–
[KING KONG APPEARS]
SOLDIER 2: Oh thank God. Thank God he’s back.
//////////////////////////////
EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
SOLDIER 1: Be careful, we–
SOLDIER 2: Shut up. KONG! WHERE ARE YOU?!
SOLDIER 1: You seriously need five King Kongs.
SOLDIER 2: YES I NEED FIVE KING KONGS. I NEED A HUNDRED THOUSAND KING KONGS. SUE ME.
[KING KONG APPEARS]
