You and your ex decided to stay friends even though you couldn’t make it work as friends who have sex with each other. Now, you’ve been invited to watch him or her walk down the aisle with someone else.
Do you go?
The short answer is hell to the no. You should take an extra hard pass. If you’re looking to torture yourself, why don’t you have that root canal done you’ve been putting off—or, better yet, get that colonic that’s been on your to-do list since Katie Couric got one back when Bush was President. Because if you think you’ll be happy watching your ex get married, you’re clearly full of shit.
Before you regretfully accept, at least read over these five reasons.
- Your ex’s fiancé is going to be a hotter version of you and everyone’s going to be referring to you as the store brand version. You’re Great Value. You’re Fruity O’s. You’re Equate. You’re better off staying at home.
- If anything goes wrong, it’ll be your fault. If the groom gets cold feet, everyone’s going to blame you. If the bride accidentally trips, the fingers will point at you—whether you’re near the scene of the crime or not. If it rains, it’ll be your fault. Just like they all blame you for ruining the relationship in the first place, you’ll be blamed for ruining their special day. If you go to this wedding, you’ll have yourself to blame.
- Your ex told everyone about your sex life. When you walk in, all eyes will be on you, and not because of your attire. Every guest there knows all of the unspeakably filthy things you enjoy in bed to the very last detail. When your ex’s college buddy compliments your pearl necklace, and you’re not wearing one, or if your ex’s aunt offers you strawberry shortcake, they’re not just being friendly. They know. They know everything. And by now you should know you shouldn’t go to this circus.
- You won’t be able to listen to any of the songs played during the reception again. They’ll take on new meanings and serve as constant reminders of your ex’s wedding. “Single Ladies?” Ruined. “The Chicken Dance?” Tarnished. “The Cha Cha Slide?” OK maybe not that one. You love the “hands on your knees, hands on your knees” part. But do you really want to have to go through your Spotify catalogue and delete so many great songs? I don’t think so. Skip this wedding.
- You’ll lose your job. Yes, really. Studies show that people who stay friends with their ex are narcissistic psychopaths and dishonest. If you go to this wedding, and your boss finds out, she’ll be mortified by your lack of judgment, critical thinking skills, and ethical decision making. She’ll be forced to terminate your employment immediately. And good luck explaining this during future job interviews.
So now look at you. Unmarried, unemployed and unable to dance to “Single Ladies.” Is this what you want? I didn’t think so.
Lamar Dawson is a pop culture junkie living in Manhattan. Follow him on Instagram and Facebook.
