Is a Victim Mentality Holding You Back? Here’s How to Squash It for Good

Believe it or not, you are in complete control of your experiences

You are in control of your life. Joshua Earle/Unsplash

“It always happens. Things are going great, and then they take a turn for the worst. I can’t be happy when things are going well because I know it’s a matter of time before it all comes crashing down,” says my client.

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“Interesting perspective. How’s that working for you?” I ask.

“It’s not just a perspective; it’s my reality. I have proof,” he quips.

People always have proof. People see what they want to see, and because they focus on it, they see more of it.

“Have you tried not convincing yourself that your stream of ‘good luck’ is destined to blow up in your face?” I say.

“Obviously, I don’t want it to blow up in my face. It just always does.”

“Well, as long as that’s your dominant belief, your life will comply,” I reply.

How you look at things is how they show up for you.

Believe it or not, you are in complete control of your experiences. If you are fearful and convinced that things are not going to work out, they won’t. Your life responds to your dominant belief. Whether you want it or not, you get what you think about. Your thoughts will determine your next experience. And to add insult to injury, because of their denser vibration, your worries and fears will manifest faster than your dreams.

“So, stop focusing on the negative. That will help you to shift your energy towards more positive experiences,” I say. “But, more importantly, let’s talk about what negative experiences are.”

All negative experiences bring you positive ones. Positive experiences are the rewards for having gotten there.  

We all want positive experiences: love, laughter, money, and other rewards of a life well lived. Our society is based on a reward system. Subsequently, negative experiences get a bad rap. But negative experiences are actually better experiences to have. They catalyze our growth and push us to evolve into stronger, wiser human beings. They are rich experiences that always bring us to a more solid place in our lives.

On the other hand, positive experiences are the reward for having done the work. They are the icing on the cake after you sit back and put your feet up. Because our society is one of instant-gratification, we only seek positive experiences. We’re not really interested in rolling up our sleeves and doing the work to get there. We just want to be there. Therefore, we lament negative experiences. But think about it: How can you get a reward you didn’t earn? You can’t. Life doesn’t work that way.

Nothing is happening to you; it is happening for you to learn.

Now that you understand what negative experiences are, you can begin to understand why they are happening to you.

First, know that you’re never being punished; life is rewarding you with opportunities to grow beyond your limitations. Nothing happens to hurt you; it happens to show you where you are in your life and which areas need attention and growth. These experiences are wake-up calls. When you recognize that these seemingly negative experiences are helping you attain positive experiences, you’ll embrace them as necessary milestones along your journey.

If it wasn’t meant to be happening to you, it wouldn’t be happening.

These negative experiences are hand-selected for each of us. We are all on a path of growth and understanding, and negative experiences are a critical part of our development. Situations show up when they are ready to be experienced—regardless of whether or not you think you are ready for them. Nothing ever shows up haphazardly. Things are unfolding exactly the way they are meant to. What you do with them is up to you, but there is a divine plan in place and one which there are no coincidences and no exceptions.

“You mean all this crap that’s been happening to me is somehow meant to make me better and not annoy the sh— out of me?” he says.

“Only if you allow yourself to grow and evolve through it. Ask yourself: How do you weather negative experiences when they show up?”

Are you a Master or a Victim?

No one wants to think they play the victim in their lives, but not many people understand what it means to be the master of their lives either.

There are only two types of people in the world: masters and victims. Victims say, “Woe is me. Why are these things always happening to me? I am a good person. I don’t deserve this treatment. I am better and kinder then that person. Why don’t bad things happen to those people? Why am I always getting it?”

Masters simply say, “Oh, I get it. It’s happening for me to learn. It’s a necessary evil along my path.” They confront the situation, move forward, and make their lives better.

You are never going to rid yourself of negative experiences, but you can learn how to manage their destructive effects.

You are in control of your life. You determine your next experience, based on your understanding that negative experiences bring you to positive experiences. You don’t have to give your power over to the negative experience. Don’t fear it. Face it, stand up to it, transform it, and it will no longer have any power over you. Be the master of your life.

Here are three tips to help you master your life:

  1. Suck it up buttercup. This is one of my teacher’s favorite mantras. It’s okay to recognize that you’re having a difficult time in your life, but it’s not okay to stay there. Negative experiences never last very long, but they are critical to your growth. You need to walk through them as quickly and painlessly as possible. Suck it up buttercup, and just keep walking. You’ll be better for it.
  2. Don’t expect to win the marathon without training for it. Do you want positive experiences in your life? Do the work. Positive experiences are rewards for work well done. Just like you’ll never be handed a medal for a race you didn’t train for, you’ll never get rewards in life without doing the work. The work lies in negative experiences. If you work through them quickly and efficiently, positive experiences will meet you at the finish line.
  3. Sitting on the ground in the rain only gets you wet. It’s pretty obvious when it comes to a rainstorm, but it isn’t as obvious when we apply it to our lives. When things don’t work out the way you want them to, how many of us fall down to the ground and have a hard time getting back up? We can sit down on that ground in the rain for decades, but sitting in the rain only gets you more wet. Why not pull yourself up and look for shelter? Don’t wait for the sun to come out. Get yourself out of the rain, and the sun will come out to reward you.

Based in New York City, Donnalynn is the Author of “Life Lessons, Everything You Ever Wished You Had Learned in Kindergarten.” She is also a Certified Intuitive Life Coach, Inspirational Blogger (, writer and speaker. Her work has been featured in Glamour, the iHeart Radio Network and Princeton Television. Her website is You can follower her on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn,  Facebook and Google+.

Is a Victim Mentality Holding You Back? Here’s How to Squash It for Good