DANA: Vinnie, so as a man and on behalf of all men, do you feel personally persecuted by the fact that Alamo Drafthouse won’t let you into that one screening of Wonder Woman?
VINNIE: ALLOW ME FOR A MOMENT TO BE MAD ON THE INTERNET ON BEHALF OF ALL MEN. I think what makes me the most mad (on the internet) about Alamo’s one, single screening of Wonder Woman is that once again I, a straight white man (on the internet) do not feel special and/or included. This is Ghostbusters all over again!
DANA: Oh my god, Vinnie, I am so sorry. Maybe there could be hundreds of other screenings of Wonder Woman in theaters in New York City??? IDK!! This seems very hard for you.
VINNIE: See, here’s the thing. I deleted the Fandango app from my phone like, a month ago, and straight up DON’T feel like re-downloading it. But I have to. Because the only screening of Wonder Woman I know of is this one. This is the only one.
DANA: Also, it maybe was too far that they declared that any straight white man on the premise would be ritually slaughtered. I’ll say it: that was a little harsh.
VINNIE: Did you ever see the 2002 comedy classic Sorority Boys, in which three dudes dress up as women to join a sorority? Let’s just say, on a completely unrelated note, I have a few ideas about how to get into Alamo Drafthouse come screening night.
DANA : It’s a reverse Just One of the Guys! Fun fact, Billy Zabka, the villain from Karate Kid is also the villain in that one. Or for our younger readers, She’s The Man. It’s the only way for you to see this movie! Also, since the proceeds go to Planned Parenthood, how awful of the Alamo Drafthouse for preventing you from donating. There is no other way for you to show your support to Planned Parenthood.
VINNE: It’s funny that you bring up Karate Kid because I will be hosting a BOYS-ONLY double-feature of Karate Kid and The Entourage Movie, followed by an after-party (BOYS ONLY) in which we will just be watching The Entourage Movie again.
And I did find that strange (maybe even…suspect? #LockAlamoUp) that Planned Parenthood funnels all of its donations through this one screening of a comic book movie. I want to help, Dana. I’m a Good Guy. But it’s hard to be Good when I’m not allowed to watch this particular screening of this particular DC Comics film.
DANA: Honestly, it’s Wonder Woman’s fault. Why would they have a female hero with boobs and legs if not for men’s enjoyment?
VINNIE: I told my friends (on Reddit) that if Wonder Woman didn’t want this uproar, maybe don’t dress like you want an uproar? IDK.
DANA: Alamo is being very sexist against men (mexist?). Just the other day, (true story) my boyfriend apropos of nothing announced that he would be willing to see the Wonder Woman movie with me like he was donating his life savings to the homeless. He wanted to be a hero, and now we’ll have to go to one of the non-sold out screenings at any other place or any other time if I want to spend a night watching a movie for two hours, and then spending six hours explaining the ways women in comic books and media are usually objectified.
VINNIE: Well, clearly, and I say this as an expert, your boyfriend has been beta-cuck-red-pilled into submission probably from watching too much Rachel Maddow.
DANA: Yes, you are right. I will break up with him and now I am in the market for a new boyfriend who is good at memes and also has a set of throwing stars maybe?!?! And who understands that all feminists are ugly complaining hags but he’ll still have sex with me.
VINNIE: Good luck finding a boyfriend at an ALL WOMEN SCREENING OF WONDER WOMAN.
DANA: TO be serious for a moment, anyone actually angry about this event is a tiny insecure manchild baby who doesn’t understand how the world works and needs to experience five thousand eye rolls from women. I remember being in a theater where the Wonder Woman ad played, and there was a group of girls behind me who must have been about eight years old. They literally started loud-whispering to each other, “OH MY GOD, IT’S WONDER WOMAN.” And it warmed my cold heart. This is a fun event for girls to celebrate a female hero. I don’t see you guys panicking about all-girl schools or summer camps or girl scout troops. If you really want to see Wonder Woman, go see Wonder Woman. There are plenty of screenings for you—you are not being discriminated against. If you want to donate to Planned Parenthood, donate to Planned Parenthood. Remember all those Republicans talking about healthcare and being like, “It’s not a right for everyone to have healthcare, it’s a right for everyone to have access to health care.” Well, you still have access to Wonder Woman. And holy shit, they were talking about lifesaving medical care. This is a superhero movie. And a DC superhero movie. Relax.
VINNIE [not listening]: COME TO MY SCREENING OF KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD. I HAVE NOT SOLD A SINGLE TICKET. PLENTY OF ROOM.