Previously, on A Quick Word From…
Hello, people of Amity! Thank you for coming out today. I know that this campaign has mostly focused on that time last summer I refused to close the beaches and let several people be eaten by a shark. As I’ve admitted countless times, being a politician is hard, and you really can’t foresee something like that.
So let’s talk about anything else for a change.
In the last year, 30% of the streets in Amity have been repaved. That’s a good non-shark related thing I did. Who knows how many lives were saved by fixing the potholes on Main Street? Potentially more than the five who were tragically devoured by that shark last year.
I notice quite a few of you are chanting “shark accomplice.” I’d appreciate if you could stop so I could give my speech.
Now according to the Amity Gazette, I have a 99% disapproval rate. Readers cite the time I knew there was a giant rogue shark loose but kept the beaches open as the reason for their disapproval. However, the Amity National Review says I only have a 93% disapproval rating. Why aren’t people talking about that?
People of Amity, it is time that, in the spirit of togetherness, we move on. Amity, as you know, means Friendship. It does not mean Sharkland. I don’t know where that rumor started, and I hope we quash it soon.
Crime is down! Now most of that can be attributed to how much criminals fear Chief Brody, the famous shark slayer, but I helped. You’ll notice shark attacks are down 5000% from this time last year. Wow! Isn’t that something!
Happy 4th of July/Amity Shark Victim Remembrance Day. Later tonight we will have a moment of silence, followed by a firework show. That should be fun! It’s a beautiful day, the beaches are open, and people are having a wonderful time staying inside their safe homes.
My opponent is running on a strict anti-shark platform. It is important to note that I have never said I am pro shark. Have I maybe made deals that helped sharks in the past? I’m a busy man. There’s no way of knowing.
Look at my suit! Isn’t it wacky! I’m wearing seersucker pants, a blazer decorated with pictures of anchors, and several pink ties. I’m a quirky guy! Please be distracted and do not blame me for the deaths of several people.
Let’s be honest, in the past year tourism has plummeted. Is it because of the shark that killed a skinny dipper, a child, two fisherman, a man in a boat, and a dog? Or is it because of the obstructionists who won’t let the shark thing go?
I, Mayor Vaughn, am the man to bring the people back to our lovely island. I’m proposing we build more pools. Sharks can’t get in pools, you see? They have walls! This is the logical solution.
Apparently my inability to say “I’m sorry. I made a mistake” is the thing that bothers you all the most. Well, I will never apologize for leaving the beaches open, because if I did that, I would have to deal with the fact that I have the death of a child on my hands. And that’s not really something I want to admit to myself, you see?
In conclusion, if a shark ever does come back, you are going to want me, a mayor with shark experience, in control. I’d hate to see you all eaten by a shark. Vote Vaughn ’76.
