Here’s the Hard Truth: If You Have to Wonder, They Aren’t Into You

If they want to see you, they will make time for you

It’s better to be alone and feel great than be in a relationship and feel lonely. Unsplash/Austin Call

“He always has to work, so I only get to see him once a week. It’s usually after work for a quick dinner and then back to his place for sex. There is no intimacy—it is so unromantic and unloving. He doesn’t connect with me at all. On the weekend, he spends all his time with his friends, but I never get invited. In four months, I have never met any of his friends, colleagues or family members. I don’t understand because he tells me he loves me but this is not love,” says my beautiful 30-something “it-girl” client.

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“You’re right. This is not love,” I say to her. “Have you tried to talk to him?”

She responds, “I’ve tried to, but he gets so upset. He says, ‘Why are we always talking about the relationship? Why does it have to be so hard?’ Then he completely unravels and says he’s unsure about me. He says he might love me but not be in love with me. He tells me he wants me in his life forever but that he’s not sure what that looks like. What does that mean? He offers me nothing in return for all my unconditional love, support and partnership. I feel so emotionally drained.”

It’s time to go.

Feeling conflicted is a fancy way of saying ‘I am trying to find a place for you in my life because you aren’t a priority.’ Translation: They are not into you. Any self-respecting person should not prioritize someone who is unsure about them. Self-respecting people love themselves enough to know that they don’t have to settle for second best. They know that first prize is waiting around the corner.

It’s better to be alone and feel great than be in a relationship and feel lonely. 

People who love themselves don’t get involved with people who make them feel badly. If you are giving more of yourself than you are receiving, your partner doesn’t deserve to have you in their life. If that person is not adding value to your life, why are they there? They are just in the way.

They say they don’t do committed relationships.

When people tell you who they are, believe them. Don’t think you will change them. When someone tells you that they have an issue committing, they are really saying, “I am not sure I want to commit to you.” Anyone who truly has an issue committing but wants to be with you won’t offer that information upfront; they know it will hurt their chances with you. So if they’re volunteering it, they are not into you. They are using it as a boundary.

They say they are too busy with work to invest in a committed relationship. 

Someone who is into you will always find time to foster a connection with you. We are all busy, but we make time for love. Love is a super-human feeling. If anything, it gives you even more energy, making you perform even better at work. So if they are too busy with work to spend time with you, they are not that into you.

They spend more time with friends than with you.

If they are nurturing connections with other people but not with you, they are not that into you. When someone cares about you, you become a priority. They will always find a way to nurture their connection with you. If they can’t find a way to make time for both you and their friends, the chasm between what they want and what you want is too big to overcome.

They say they don’t like public displays of affection.

Translation: They don’t want people to know you are together. They are concerned what people will think and that being with you will limit their options. Newsflash: They are not into you.

They make plans at the last minute.

If they do not respect your time enough to ask you for a date ahead of time, they are not that into you. If they are contacting you at the end of the day, it is usually a booty call. They are limiting your time together to the hours of sexual intrigue and sleep. If the weekend comes and you have not been invited to spend time with them, they are not choosing to spend their personal time with you. Regardless of what excuse they might give, they are not into you.

If they are not calling you, texting you or asking you out, there is a reason.

They are not into you. This is especially true for men. Men are natural leaders. If he wants to see a woman, he initiates the action. Therefore, if he is not taking the action, he is not interested. Women, if you are trying to take the initiative and he is not biting, he’s not interested.

Be mindful of sweet nothings.

They might be sweet, but they say nothing at all. All those text messages with heart emojis do not establish a genuine dialogue. If the sweet nothings punctuate an existing emotional connection, have at it, but if there’s no substance behind them, let the sweet nothings go sour. If someone depends upon sweet nothings for communication, they have nothing else to say to you.

If they can’t open up to you, they don’t want to open up to you.

You can say they are not emotionally available, but if they are not opening up, it’s because they don’t want to. When they find the person they feel comfortable with, they will find the ability to have a dialogue. Until then, stop trying to get them to open up and share themselves. Pushing them up against a wall will not entice them to connect with you.

If they are trying to change you, they don’t want you.

If they are being critical or judgmental, they don’t want you. They want to change you because they want you to be someone else. Walk away. They are not into you.

It’s not about what they say, it’s about what they are doing.

Watch people’s actions. They may say one thing but do something else. Forget about the promise of the trip to St. Maarten or the allure of dinner at French Laundry. If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t going to happen. The sooner you learn that relationships are about action and not words, the sooner you can move on and find the relationship of your dreams.

Stop waiting for someone to be what you need. Start calling in the one who is already what you need.

You don’t always get what you want; you get what you choose. They aren’t always the same thing. Stop trying to get milk from a stone.

Here are 3 tips for dealing with someone who isn’t into you.

  1. Stop accepting crumbs. Love yourself enough to walk away. Accepting crumbs from people tells them that you do not love yourself enough to ask for better. Those crumbs never satiate you; they just keep you starving for more. It’s better to give them up so you can start over with a clear mind.
  2. You have to lose to win. If they aren’t into you, move on. You have to lose what isn’t working to find what will. You can’t have both. Trust that you deserve better and let the universe help you find it.
  3. Great love knows how to fight for you. If it is real for you, it will fight. If you let something go that isn’t working for you and it doesn’t come back and fight for you, it was never going to be yours for the long haul. Use this as an acid test. If it’s real, it will come back and fight for you. Then, it will finally be your turn to decide who wins.

Based in New York City, Donnalynn is the Author of “Life Lessons, Everything You Ever Wished You Had Learned in Kindergarten.” She is also a Certified Intuitive Life Coach, Inspirational Blogger (, writer and speaker. Her work has been featured in Glamour, the iHeart Radio Network and Princeton Television. Her website is You can follower her on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn,  Facebook and Google+.

Here’s the Hard Truth: If You Have to Wonder, They Aren’t Into You