Imagined Dialogue: ‘Game of Thrones’ if Tryion or Jon Snow Claimed the Iron Throne

The Seven Kingdoms were Jon Snow or Tyrion Lannister to claim the Iron Throne.

Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannistar in Game of Thrones. Macall B. Polay/HBO

“Imagined Dialogue For” is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott—of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at envisioning the Seven Kingdoms were Jon Snow or Tyrion Lannister to claim the Iron Throne.

EXT. DAY.

TYRION LANNISTER: War is inevitable. We must prepare.

JON SNOW: I wish it didn’t have to be like this.

TYRION: How do you mean?

JON: To be completely honest with you, I hate violence.

TYRION: Oh man, I can’t believe you just said that.

JON: I know, I know. But it’s true.

TYRION: To be frank, I hate violence too. It’s the worst.

JON: It corrodes the human spirit and it’s messy as hell. I wish there was a better way to resolve our conflicts.

TYRION: Maybe there is…

JON: Really? How?

TYRION: We could try settling our differences peacefully. I’ve been meaning to float that idea for a long time.

JON: Yes! We should totally do that. We should sort things out together, without fighting.

TYRION: Ideally, we could hammer out any issues we have with one another through peaceful negotiation and diplomacy.

JON: You know what I love? Open and frank communication with a healthy amount of compassion to guide it.

TYRION: It’s the foundation of peace and well-being, in my opinion.

JON: Hell yes it is. Why didn’t we think of this before?

EXT. DAY.

TYRION: So, you’re probably going to laugh at me, but I’m just going to put this out there.

JON: Go for it, and I promise I won’t laugh.

TYRION: Promise?

JON: Promise.

TYRION: I strongly dislike sex and nudity.

JON: Oh boy…

TYRION: You said you wouldn’t laugh!

JON: No, no. I’m smiling because it’s like you read my mind. I hate sex and nudity, too!

TYRION: If I ruled the universe, honest to goodness, everybodymen and womenwould keep their clothes on all of the time, and kissing would be as far as anybody got.

JON: Man, is there a way to just make you King of the Universe right now?

TYRION: Hahaha

JON: Hahaha

TYRION: Seriously though, in that order: No violence and no nudity. That’s how it’d be if I ran things.

JON: I wish you did.

TYRION: Me too.

EXT. DAY.

JON: Seriously?

TYRION: Yep.

JON: “Drumb” is not a word. I’m 99 percent sure.

TYRION: I mean, feel free to challenge if you want to. But it’s definitely a word.

JON: Don’t do this.

TYRION: Don’t do what.

JON: You force me to challenge a word every single game. This would be the third time in this game alone. It’s not in the spirit of Scrabble.

TYRION: Oh pray tell then, please explain the “spirit of Scrabble” to me.

JON: You know “drumb” isn’t a word.

TYRION: If you’re so sure it’s not a word, then challenge it. Those are the rules.

JON: I’m not going to challenge it. Just play another word.

TYRION: No.

JON: This has to get boring for you, dude. Why can’t we just, in good faith, play words that we’re certain are words and leave it at that.

TYRION: One more time: Challenge me if you want to. I’ll lose a turn if you’re right and I’m wrong.

JON: No, you’re playing head games with me.

TYRION: I’m not playing head games with you! If you’re so sure it’s not a word, just challenge it.

JON: Now I’m second-guessing myself.

TYRION: Not my problem, man.

JON: Just play a different word!

TYRION: Go to hell, Jon!

JON: YOU go to hell!

[TYRION AND JON STAB ONE ANOTHER TO DEATH] Imagined Dialogue: ‘Game of Thrones’ if Tryion or Jon Snow Claimed the Iron Throne