“Imagined Dialogue For” is our series by the hilarious and talented Chris Scott—of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen fame. Next up? Chris takes a stab at envisioning the Seven Kingdoms were Jon Snow or Tyrion Lannister to claim the Iron Throne.
TYRION LANNISTER: War is inevitable. We must prepare.
JON SNOW: I wish it didn’t have to be like this.
TYRION: How do you mean?
JON: To be completely honest with you, I hate violence.
TYRION: Oh man, I can’t believe you just said that.
JON: I know, I know. But it’s true.
TYRION: To be frank, I hate violence too. It’s the worst.
JON: It corrodes the human spirit and it’s messy as hell. I wish there was a better way to resolve our conflicts.
TYRION: Maybe there is…
JON: Really? How?
TYRION: We could try settling our differences peacefully. I’ve been meaning to float that idea for a long time.
JON: Yes! We should totally do that. We should sort things out together, without fighting.
TYRION: Ideally, we could hammer out any issues we have with one another through peaceful negotiation and diplomacy.
JON: You know what I love? Open and frank communication with a healthy amount of compassion to guide it.
TYRION: It’s the foundation of peace and well-being, in my opinion.
JON: Hell yes it is. Why didn’t we think of this before?
TYRION: So, you’re probably going to laugh at me, but I’m just going to put this out there.
JON: Go for it, and I promise I won’t laugh.
TYRION: I strongly dislike sex and nudity.
JON: Oh boy…
TYRION: You said you wouldn’t laugh!
JON: No, no. I’m smiling because it’s like you read my mind. I hate sex and nudity, too!
TYRION: If I ruled the universe, honest to goodness, everybody—men and women—would keep their clothes on all of the time, and kissing would be as far as anybody got.
JON: Man, is there a way to just make you King of the Universe right now?
TYRION: Seriously though, in that order: No violence and no nudity. That’s how it’d be if I ran things.
JON: I wish you did.
TYRION: Me too.
JON: “Drumb” is not a word. I’m 99 percent sure.
TYRION: I mean, feel free to challenge if you want to. But it’s definitely a word.
JON: Don’t do this.
TYRION: Don’t do what.
JON: You force me to challenge a word every single game. This would be the third time in this game alone. It’s not in the spirit of Scrabble.
TYRION: Oh pray tell then, please explain the “spirit of Scrabble” to me.
JON: You know “drumb” isn’t a word.
TYRION: If you’re so sure it’s not a word, then challenge it. Those are the rules.
JON: I’m not going to challenge it. Just play another word.
JON: This has to get boring for you, dude. Why can’t we just, in good faith, play words that we’re certain are words and leave it at that.
TYRION: One more time: Challenge me if you want to. I’ll lose a turn if you’re right and I’m wrong.
JON: No, you’re playing head games with me.
TYRION: I’m not playing head games with you! If you’re so sure it’s not a word, just challenge it.
JON: Now I’m second-guessing myself.
TYRION: Not my problem, man.
JON: Just play a different word!
TYRION: Go to hell, Jon!
JON: YOU go to hell!
[TYRION AND JON STAB ONE ANOTHER TO DEATH]