The latest in our ongoing series of imagined dialogues.
THE GUNSLINGER: It’s the end of the line, Walter. I’m here to stop you once and for all.
THE MAN IN BLACK: You don’t have the power to stop me. You never did.
THE GUNSLINGER: How long have we been battling each other?
THE MAN IN BLACK: For all eternity.
THE GUNSLINGER: It ends tonight.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Yes, it does.
THE GUNSLINGER: I don’t want to do this anymore.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Neither do I.
THE GUNSLINGER: We’ve been going at it for so long, I can’t even remember why we’re fighting.
THE MAN IN BLACK: It has something to do with a tower. I don’t know, man.
THE GUNSLINGER: Wanna hear something wild? I’m a so-called “gunslinger” and I hate guns. I hate shooting people. I hate it so much.
THE MAN IN BLACK: And I hate wearing black. Red has always been more my color.
THE GUNSLINGER: You wanna just take a breather?
THE MAN IN BLACK: Big time.
THE MAN IN BLACK: So Kevin—
THE GUNSLINGER: Hang on, Kevin’s the roommate from college?
THE MAN IN BLACK: No, Kyle’s my college roommate. Kevin is his friend from high school. He didn’t go to college with us, but I met Kevin through Kyle.
THE GUNSLINGER: Right, right.
THE MAN IN BLACK: So Kevin and Kyle had a big falling out after we all moved to New York. And, like, I’ve heard both sides of it, but honestly I think the truth is somewhere in the middle, you know?
THE GUNSLINGER: Definitely.
THE MAN IN BLACK: So it’s whatever. I’m still friends with both of them.
THE GUNSLINGER: Is it weird at all because you knew Kyle first?
THE MAN IN BLACK: Eh, I mean, not really? Because college was so long ago and we’re, like, different people now.
THE GUNSLINGER: That makes sense.
THE MAN IN BLACK: But what really sucks is—and I’ve talked about this with both of them—inevitably they’ll bring the other one up and talk shit about them.
THE GUNSLINGER: That really sucks.
THE MAN IN BLACK: And, like, I’ve told both of them, you know, I don’t want to hear it. Because it just makes me uncomfortable. Like, it puts me in a really awkward position.
THE GUNSLINGER: Yeah for sure.
THE GUNSLINGER: I mean, I don’t hate falafel or anything.
THE MAN IN BLACK: But have you had, like, really good falafel?
THE GUNSLINGER: My friend took me to a place that he said was the best falafel he’s ever had and he loves it.
THE MAN IN BLACK: That’s so weird.
THE GUNSLINGER: I think for me the issue is I have a hard time getting the toppings to go to the bottom of the pita. So I eat the top of it and then the whole other two-thirds of it is just falafel. Which isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just annoying.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Yeah, I mean, they give you the little toothpicks.
THE GUNSLINGER: I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s for me.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Or Facebook just needs a setting where you can filter your feed by topic. Like, I don’t need to know someone I interned with eight years ago lost her phone and needs everyone to send her their contact info.
THE GUNSLINGER: God I hate those. Never once have I sent anyone my contact info off of one of those. Like if we’re close enough that you had my contact info in the first place, you’ll figure out a way to ask me for it directly. Like email or something.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Right, exactly.
THE GUNSLINGER: The worst.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Alright well I don’t have anything else to talk about. Do you?
THE GUNSLINGER: No, I don’t think so.
THE MAN IN BLACK: Listen, I enjoyed the hell out of this.
THE GUNSLINGER: Man, so did I. What took us so long?
THE MAN IN BLACK: I have no idea.