Do the Gunslinger and the Man in Black Even Remember Why They’re Fighting?

'The Dark Tower' protagonists let bygones be bygones

The latest in our ongoing series of imagined dialogues.

The Gunslinger and the Man in Black have a serious conversation. Sony Pictures Entertainment

EXT. NIGHT.

THE GUNSLINGER: It’s the end of the line, Walter. I’m here to stop you once and for all.

THE MAN IN BLACK: You don’t have the power to stop me. You never did.

THE GUNSLINGER: How long have we been battling each other?

THE MAN IN BLACK: For all eternity.

THE GUNSLINGER: It ends tonight.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Yes, it does.

THE GUNSLINGER: I don’t want to do this anymore.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Neither do I.

THE GUNSLINGER: We’ve been going at it for so long, I can’t even remember why we’re fighting.

THE MAN IN BLACK: It has something to do with a tower. I don’t know, man.

THE GUNSLINGER: Wanna hear something wild? I’m a so-called “gunslinger” and I hate guns. I hate shooting people. I hate it so much.

THE MAN IN BLACK: And I hate wearing black. Red has always been more my color.

THE GUNSLINGER: You wanna just take a breather?

THE MAN IN BLACK: Big time.

EXT. NIGHT.

THE MAN IN BLACK: So Kevin

THE GUNSLINGER: Hang on, Kevin’s the roommate from college?

THE MAN IN BLACK: No, Kyle’s my college roommate. Kevin is his friend from high school. He didn’t go to college with us, but I met Kevin through Kyle.

THE GUNSLINGER: Right, right.

THE MAN IN BLACK: So Kevin and Kyle had a big falling out after we all moved to New York.  And, like, I’ve heard both sides of it, but honestly I think the truth is somewhere in the middle, you know?

THE GUNSLINGER: Definitely.

THE MAN IN BLACK: So it’s whatever. I’m still friends with both of them.

THE GUNSLINGER: Is it weird at all because you knew Kyle first?

THE MAN IN BLACK: Eh, I mean, not really? Because college was so long ago and we’re, like, different people now.

THE GUNSLINGER: That makes sense.

THE MAN IN BLACK: But what really sucks isand I’ve talked about this with both of theminevitably they’ll bring the other one up and talk shit about them.

THE GUNSLINGER: That really sucks.

THE MAN IN BLACK: And, like, I’ve told both of them, you know, I don’t want to hear it. Because it just makes me uncomfortable. Like, it puts me in a really awkward position.

THE GUNSLINGER: Yeah for sure.

EXT. NIGHT.

THE GUNSLINGER: I mean, I don’t hate falafel or anything.

THE MAN IN BLACK: But have you had, like, really good falafel?

THE GUNSLINGER: My friend took me to a place that he said was the best falafel he’s ever had and he loves it.

THE MAN IN BLACK: That’s so weird.

THE GUNSLINGER: I think for me the issue is I have a hard time getting the toppings to go to the bottom of the pita. So I eat the top of it and then the whole other two-thirds of it is just falafel. Which isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just annoying.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Yeah, I mean, they give you the little toothpicks.

THE GUNSLINGER: I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s for me.

EXT. NIGHT.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Or Facebook just needs a setting where you can filter your feed by topic. Like, I don’t need to know someone I interned with eight years ago lost her phone and needs everyone to send her their contact info.

THE GUNSLINGER: God I hate those. Never once have I sent anyone my contact info off of one of those. Like if we’re close enough that you had my contact info in the first place, you’ll figure out a way to ask me for it directly. Like email or something.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Right, exactly.

THE GUNSLINGER: The worst.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Alright well I don’t have anything else to talk about. Do you?

THE GUNSLINGER: No, I don’t think so.

THE MAN IN BLACK: Listen, I enjoyed the hell out of this.

THE GUNSLINGER: Man, so did I. What took us so long?

THE MAN IN BLACK: I have no idea.

THE END

  Do the Gunslinger and the Man in Black Even Remember Why They’re Fighting?