Exiled sex creep Bill O’Reilly barked at God this week and God bit back.
“What the hell is wrong with that guy?” God asked, when interviewed exclusively by the Fake News Media. “Cut his mic! Cut his mic!”
God was reacting to comments by O’Reilly on O’Reilly’s personal podcast, No Spin News. He works there since being forced out at Fox News Channel last April in a sexual harassment scandal despite leading cable news in ratings and signing a new contract for $25 million per year.
“Am I mad at God?” asked O’Reilly, now reduced to interviewing himself with rhetorical questions. “Yeah, I’m mad at him… I can’t explain it to you. Yes, I’m mad at him.”
God—who spoke from Heaven on Skype—said he is mad at O’Reilly, too.
“Look, this guy got fired by a sleazy outfit like Fox not because he harassed women but only because The New York Times exposed the cash settlements,” God said. “I read the Times every day, by the way. And they had another story just last weekend about a different cash settlement. I mean, jeez.”
God was referring to a $32 million deal in favor of Lis Wiehl, one of many women to accuse O’Reilly of inappropriate sexual conduct. O’Reilly denies everything from everybody. That also seemed to annoy God.
“And that’s not all,” God added. “I’m getting disgusted with how he uses his children and other people’s children. That is so cowardly, so weak.”
This was a reference to O’Reilly’s claim that he would have contested all the accusations in a court of law but did not want to put his family through public humiliation of false charges against him. O’Reilly also tried to intimidate the Times by citing the death of Eric Bolling’s son.
“I urge you to think about what you put in your newspaper,” O’Reilly told the Times. “Eric Bolling’s son is dead. He’s dead because of allegations made—in my opinion and I know this to be true—against Mr. Bolling.”
Shortly after Bolling left Fox amid allegations of sexual harassment, Bolling’s 19-year-old son died. But Bolling objected to O’Reilly’s use of his son in O’Reilly’s defense. Bolling said his son died of accidental causes. O’Reilly apologized to Bolling Tuesday but not to another former Fox colleague, Megyn Kelly.
Now with NBC, Kelly objected to O’Reilly’s contention that no Fox co-worker ever complained officially about him. Kelly said she did. And Gretchen Carlson—another former Fox anchor—said it was upsetting that Fox recently let O’Reilly back on Fox to promote a new book, Killing England.
He appeared with Sean Hannity, his fellow Long Island Bully Boy.
“It’s horrifying to think that any company would dismiss an employee following multiple allegations of sexual harassment and then allow him back on the air a few months later,” Carlson said.
She cashed out of Fox with a $20 million settlement for a harassment charge against Roger Ailes, the Fox emperor who died shortly after leaving Fox in the sex scandal.
Ailes and O’Reilly often pushed the “we’re the real victims here” trope in the battles of the culture war that Fox used to gain audience and elect amateur President Donald Trump. This sense of self-pity has carried into O’Reilly’s podcasts, where he chooses harsh words to discuss his many enemies.
“If they could literally kill me, they would,” said O’Reilly, who added that he talked to the Times “just to see the devil that I was dealing with.”
God seemed annoyed with O’Reilly’s casual use of loaded language.
“He should shut up about the devil,” God said. “And what’s with all this ‘killing’ talk and all his ‘killing’ books? Killing this. Killing that. He even wrote Killing Jesus Christ. He got a lot wrong in that one. And he breaks Commandments left and right. All that lust. All those false witnesses and coveting.”
God chuckled when he recalled how O’Reilly took a vacation from The O’Reilly Factor last spring and never came back.
“Remember where he was when they decided to can him?” God said. “He was in Rome and he went to the g—damn Vatican! He went there to shake hands with the Pope. Ha! He should have asked him to hear a confession.”
Asked if he had a final message for O’Reilly before they officially meet, God smiled and said “Yeah. Christmas is coming. Tell Bill I said ‘Happy Holidays!’”
Joe Lapointe spent 20 years as a sports reporter for The New York Times and worked as a segment producer for Countdown With Keith Olbermann. Recently, he has taught journalism at New York University, Rutgers and Long Island University-Brooklyn. follow him on twitter: @joelapointe