Bachelor in Paradise was on television FOR FIVE HOURS THIS WEEK, and I think we’ve earned a break. Which is why I’m going to bypass discussing the last two episodes’ dirge-like histrionics in favor of the completely airtight exercise of evaluating which surviving couples are the most astrologically compatible based on their sun signs.
For the purposes of this ranking, I’ll only be writing about the long-standing couples, and leaving out the randos who are showing up last minute. Next week, there’s a possibility that some of these people could be leaving the show engaged (to be married!), so it behooves us to get a sense of which lovebirds have the best chance in the real world.
(Don’t ask how I figured out all their birthdays.)
Jordan (Capricorn) and Jenna (Gemini)
From the moment these crazy kids laid eyes on one another, it’s been nothing but ocean makeout sessions, high drama on Jordan’s part, and fiercely harebrained discussions about the strength of their feelings. Jordan is an earth sign to his core: once he made up his mind that Jenna is the one for him, he dug in his heels and has refused to let go. Jenna, flirtatious and unpredictable, drove Jordan insane when she toyed with the idea of being with Benoit instead. Geminis change their mind without warning and with no thought of the consequences, so it makes sense that a determined Capricorn would interpret her behavior as nothing less than torture. Conflict aside, Jordan and Jenna seem crazy smitten. I think they’ll last, and burn down the world.
Relationship Rating: 4 out of 5 roses
Astrid (Pisces) and Kevin (Aquarius)
Interesting. Those uninitiated to astrology might assume they were both water signs based on the names, but Kevin is actually an air sign, which instantly makes me think of his brief episode of hesitancy about Astrid from a couple of weeks ago. Remember when he told Astrid he wished she’d gone on a couple of dates with other people before they got together, because then she could be positive she likes him? That’s pure Aquarius coldness—he can’t help but be blunt and analytical when it comes to his feelings.
These two weathered the storm though, because Astrid’s Pisces weirdness coaxed the tenderness out of him. I don’t think they’re as goofily explosive together as Jordan and Jenna, but as a couple they’re undeniably strong.
Relationship Rating: 3 out of 5 roses
Chris (Sagittarius) and Krystal (Libra)
Now I finally understand while I’ve always liked Krystal, even though everyone insists she’s completely irritating. Krystal’s baby voice and dippy willingness to make out with whoever’s in front of her is what makes her so compelling, and so appealing to Chris. She’s a pacifier; a peacekeeper.
Chris, on the other hand, is a whirling dervish of aggressive dirtbag energy, and so he must interpret Krystal’s muted Libra coolness as an antidote to his eternal flame. (Also, it totally makes sense that Jordan and Chris hate each other—they’re truly polar opposites). Chris and Krystal’s signs tend to skim the surface emotionally, so their courtship has always felt more strictly fun than serious, but the sexual chemistry is palpable all the same.
Relationship Rating: 3 out of 5 roses
Joe (Aries) and Kendall (Leo)
Obviously, I saved the best for last. Kendall, who’s one of the most likable women in this year’s cast, deserves credit for keeping her head on over the course of this show, which we can now definitively attribute to her passionate need to be loved and admired. (You can’t help but be charmed by a Leo, because Leos live and breathe to make other people think they’re charming. Except actual Leo, from this show.)
But oh my god, Joe. Grocery Joe. Joe Amabile, the Italian sweetheart from Chicago with a gut-puncher of a smile who Becca inexplicably dumped on the first night of her season. Joe is an Aries, a magnetic, resilient, courageous warrior-type ruled by the planet Mars, so it makes total sense that he’s perfect, and that Kendall falls harder for him with each passing day.
Aries is a protector who’ll fight to the death to keep his loved ones safe: remember when Leo (Leo again!) insulted Kendall, and Joe attempted to beat the crap out of him before the producers intervened? I don’t condone violence, but honestly, threatening to punch someone who’s insulted your girlfriend is one of the coolest, old-school things a man can do. Sue me.
If I had to bet on any one couple getting engaged by the end of this season, my money’s on these twin fire signs. In every sense, they’re hot together. Plus, if they break up, Joe can always date me, a Taurus! We’d literally never agree on anything, but we’d have each others’ backs come what may. But I digress:
Relationship Rating: 5 out of 5 roses