Oprah’s Favorite Things List Is a Case Study in Crazy Capitalist Genius

These are a few of Oprah’s Favorite Things. John Phillips/Getty Images

Oprah’s annual, militarily planned and regimented Favorite Things list hit the internet today, which gives impressionable consumers plenty of time to snap up one or all of the 109 lifestyle items to give as Thanksgiving peace offerings or Christmastime stocking stuffers. Here’s hoping some Oprah-recommended jam will make your weird uncle a little less grabby.

The positivity-preaching juggernaut Oprah Brand has always had a powerful influence on the marketplace. A name-drop from Oprah can turn a small business into a million-dollar company within weeks. These lofty expectations are what make each particular collection of curated products so fascinating—the crock pots, faux-fur mittens and buzzy gadgets on the list have to appeal to as many demographics as possible, but each item also has to seem truly special and genuinely unexpected, as though Oprah herself were window-shopping for you and you only.

The result is a “very personal” gift list that hovers in the realm of the uncanny. Some items are delightful, some are puzzling and some are just plain bizarre. These are a few of our favorite Favorite Things.

The Perfect Gift for the Jaded New Yorker Who Vapes on the Subway

Oprah selected Russ & Daughters’ New York Brunch is a smorgasbord of the best things offered at the iconic New York deli and cafe: an assortment of bagels, lox, succulent cream cheese, coffee and babka cake. If someone got this for me I’d literally drop to one knee and propose.

The Chilling Reminder That Politically Tinged Attire Is a Trend That Will Never Die

“Speaker of the House” and “Little Feminist” shirts for children. Maybe we’re old-fashioned, but why does everything have be so constantly exhausting? Also, the House and the Senate should maybe be abolished. Call us when we’re disseminating Communist infant bibs.

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The Totally Unremarkable Phone Charger

“I can’t explain the mechanics behind this plugless charging pad, but I can tell you it will look lovely on your nightstand,” Oprah says. Don’t you just love Oprah? She’s so relatable! I can’t explain mechanics either.

This item, while well designed, is pretty boring, but what isn’t boring is the headline an Oprah.com writer came up with to describe the product, which is so insane it’ll almost give you a stroke: “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Tray.”

SITTIN’ ON THE DOCK OF THE TRAY. Whoever wrote this deserves a $5,000,000 bonus, and Oprah, once again, deserves to be commended for her unparalleled capitalist prowess.

Happy shopping, lemmings!

Oprah’s Favorite Things List Is a Case Study in Crazy Capitalist Genius