Here at Observer, we have a great and sustained interest in the goings-on of Gwyneth Paltrow, a sometimes-actress and the monumentally successful business visionary behind Goop, which started out as a simple lifestyle blog and quickly ballooned into a multi-tiered natural health company. Goop’s ethos demands that you attend to your own well-being with mercenary vigor, and the brand’s creator has executed this vision so thoroughly that it’s impossible not to be a little impressed. Goop has expanded into Netflix territory, begun staging conference-style events and introduced a whole new generation of “natural remedy” fans to the mythic Yoni egg (please don’t stick Yoni eggs up your vagina, it’s dangerous). Now, Paltrow has announced the launch of a whole new branch of the Goop empire: Goop Men.
In her usually breezy tone, Paltrow explained the Goop Men objective via an Instagram caption. “From now on, we will have a Men tab on our site as well as a monthly newsletter devoted to you—from health to travel to an occasional circadian-rhythm-supporting lightbulb,” Paltrow explained. “So ask yourself: Are you crystal-curious? And even if you’re not—are you, simply, curious? About the world, how to fit into it, what it means to live in 2019. We all get a little lost. We all wrestle our own shifting paradigms. We all want to grow and be present in our lives. Guidance from a clinical nutritionist, a psychotherapist, an intuitive, even a travel guide to the best adventure escapes can be an awfully welcome thing when you’re searching for some grounding.”
As far as we can tell, this meandering message means that Goop Men will function as a Goop-style lifestyle shop and information hub which men can visit online if they want to find out more about self-care techniques, psychics and the coolest pairs of expensive pants money can buy.
However, we still have some questions which will potentially never be answered. Firstly, which poor soul is going to be responsible for writing the monthly Goop Men newsletter? No doubt, that document is going to be filled with items like, “This Famous Shaman Has One Weird Trick for Heightening Your Virility.” And secondly, what on earth is an intuitive? It sounds menacing, and we hope we never find out.